ITEM 1 Following on from the triumph of the Gasohol TR7, Triumph have now released a prototype of the alcohol-powered driver. Squiffy 'Lick the Tins' McAirbag, a former kitten wrestling champion and part-time corpse, has undergone extensive corrective and transplant surgery to allow him to fit under the hood of Triumph's new 4.2 liter V-8 Duckbilled Python concept car. After an initial intake of two or three bottles of blended Irish whisky, McAirbag is able to propel the vehicle to 120km/h in 4.1 seconds, but can only sustain this performance for a few minutes. For the urban cycle, Triumph recommend the use of London dry gin or white rum, but for high-performance work or touring they suggest a potent blend of equal parts tequila and single malt scotch. McAirbag is 107. £50.00
ITEM 2 Studies by a US government research agency and three under-worked librarians in Slough, reveal that by the year 20,000, everything known on the planet will have turned to dust, except the dust, which will have evolved into a super-intelligent species of mud. Self-styled eco-warrior and idiot, Bernt Fingus, claimed it was a victory for his 'Mud is Good' campaign, in which he urges his supporters to take bucketfuls of mud into their homes, and give them food, warmth and shelter. "People call it dirt, but it's the future. Clay pigeons are just the beginning." A recently deceased spokesman for the Particulate Filter Association expressed delight at the prospect of increased dust supplies. "We make our living by trapping the really small bits of stuff that kind of float around and choke people. What the public don't realise is that we could remove all the dust in the world tomorrow if we wanted to. But the big companies that run the filtration cartel want to keep the dust out there, so you keep buying their products".
£27.50
ITEM 3 Wroote Kannal, a veterinary surgeon specialising in pot-bellied pigs could not believe his eyes last year when an eerie, warm refulgence began emanating from his cigarette lighter. "The lighter has been in our family for generations, although I don't remember it ever paying rent. It was a seemingly ordinary Wednesday evening in the summer of last year. I was just rubbing a grubby fingerprint off the lighter when suddenly it sprang open, and a blast of bright yellow light and heat burst out of it." Wroote was so shocked that he dropped the lighter, an unfortunate response which resulted in a conflagration that consumed his entire house and family. He only managed to escape by smearing his body with a nearby tub of asbestos gel and breathing through his shoelaces. Uncannily, when fire crews sifted through the charred remains of his home the only relics remaining undamaged were those made of metal, including the lighter. "The Zippo has never repeated the bizarre phenomenon of that fateful night,"explains Wroote, "although I rub it nearly every day if I remember." Has he learned his lesson ? "I have super-glued it to my fingers, to make sure I don't drop it ever again." £40.00
ITEM 4 This week NASA announced that the final rivet was in place, and they were ready to "throw the switch" on the world's first ever orbiting Bollox. The Bollox project, which began as a mild case of food poisoning twelve years ago, is the brainchild of Dr Brian Child, child of the 80s brain drain, when people relocated from places as far afield as Nassau, Nyasa and Mombasa to NASA, attracted by the prospect of free cab rides and gin. "The Bollox can either hold 247 quite small things, or one very large one, " revealed NASA spokesman Egret Badfly, "However, owing to a shocking oversight by cleaners at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory we forgot to put any doors on it. Consequently none of our astronauts can get out." The controversial decision to build the Bollox primarily from recycled hub-caps and jute lead to it being nick-named the "flying coffin". "Flying ?," defends Badfly. The Bollox is scheduled to splashdown in the pond on the village green of Little Watering, Wilts sometime next year. Local hoteliers are delighted at the prospect of a boost to the tourist trade as eager space watchers flock to see the Bollox meet its spectacular end. Alderman Dovetail Splines of the Little-with-Much Watering Board of Trade said, "There is no camping on the green, sonny. Move along there." £24.99
