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Issue 9

In this issue of ADENEWS

  • Brian the Snail on what it is like to be dubbed from the original Swedish
  • Rhubarb dispels the myth surrounding his split with Custard
  • Top ten tips for communicating with Clangers
  • Dibble and Grub on gay sex in the puppet world

International oil conspiracies For some time now, we have been secretly hiding additional information download within the graphics on our web page. This information has been coded and is intended for the Sandiafloorboard rebels in the South American republic of Squoots. It is only a matter of time before one of them discovers the information is there and then they will need to go out an buy a computer so they can read what we have sent them. If any Squoots government spies intercept these messages, we should just like to say that it was all a big joke, and that you are lovely, lovely people, and help rebels? Us?

Mr Fred Flintstone, Publican party candidate for US president, has staunchly denied rumours that friends in the oil industry have engineered a series of embarrassments for the governing Demoncats. However, the Adenews Scoop team of investigative journalists has unearthed new evidence of dodgy dealings where the worlds of oil and politics meet.

The facts as we know them:

  1. A plane carrying people, some of whom may have been British, was hijacked and flown to Iraq, where it is known oil comes from.
  2. Violent clashes begin between Israeli troops and Palestinian policemen in an area quite close to Iraq, where it is known oil comes from.
  3. British truckers blockade oil refineries. They are financed by money they have withdrawn from banks. Significantly, oil companies also keep their money in banks.
  4. Global warming is caused by fossil fuels. Adenews can exclusively reveal that oil is a fossil fuel.
  5. Colder weather, caused in part by global warming (and in part by the onset of winter) is cunningly timed to coincide with the beginning of the US presidential campaign. Suspiciously consumption of heating oil begins to rise in important marginal voting areas.
  6. Britain is brought to its knees by flooding. The floods are caused by unusual weather patterns which are shown to originate near Texas, the very heart of oil country.
  7. The Prime Minister of Scotland dies tragically. That's right - Scotland where the oil comes from.

Surely there are too many coincidences for this to be coincidence? The oil companies must be stopped before they take over the world. Vote Demoncat, you yankies, and ensure that the Adenews US contract is renewed. (shouldn't that read ensure the oil barons do not take over the world - Gru Sumfat, Adenews Proprietor).

Hot from Crewe - the Tip-Top Top Ten Railway Tunes

From our correspondent Reg Train, Expert in such matters.

  1. Tank engines for little girls
  2. You're the one that I shunt
  3. 4-4-2 Squadron
  4. Some enchanted engine
  5. Expresso Bongo
  6. The Tilehurst Cutting is the deepest
  7. Choo, Choo, I love you do
  8. Diesel be the way that I die
  9. Love me tender
  10. Ivor, a lovely bunch of coconuts

Advertisement feature

Are you feeling run down? Well stay on the pavement next time, you fool!

That was a public information bulletin from the Department of Nonce

News from the Para Olympic Games

100m Sprint

Gold: Yosser Datsmabebe 10min 12.23secs
Silver: Gazza Strip 11min 12.23secs
Bronze: Gizza Hugyabasta 12min 12.23secs

British hope, Hooza Indadark, was unfortunately disqualified when his parachute failed to inflate.

The hammer throwing competition had to be abandoned because of undue tangling.

The Tip-Top Cheese Chart

Compiled for Adenews by Radio Exmouth DJ, Cheesy Jim

  1. Bree Ties - as covered by some Welsh Rabbits
  2. I did it my whey
  3. For your ewes only
  4. I'm stilton standing
  5. Take the cheddar from my hair, for tonight I need a fondue - particular favourite
  6. Lymeswold's burning
  7. Fromage frais to eternity
  8. Camembert my prince will come
  9. Cheese, may be the butty or the beast
  10. The laughing policeman - Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah, ha ha ha ha hee, ha ha ha ha ha ha hah, ha ha Dairylee.

Letters to the Editor

From Brigadier Sir Normal Squitts KPNUTS and BAR, NATO Forward Post 7B, Bracknell

Sir
I must protest in an ardent manner about the letters you publish. These habitually come from military gentlemen of a certain rank and have clearly been edited to make them look like bloody fools. I myself dress up in women's clothing and parade about the shopping centre shouting obscenities each Monday, but I expect you'll edit that bit out.
Anyway leave us alone!

Horse n Chart

Compiled especially for the editor Mr Ade Horse by Ginny O'Leery

  1. Hay lady hay
  2. Lipizzaner fatty
  3. Hoof a sixpence
  4. Nessan dobbin
  5. Night and dray
  6. Cob only knows, how I feel about you
  7. The mule on the hill
  8. Seven bridals for seven brothers
  9. Non, jodhpur regret rein
  10. Don't go breaking my cart

Music

Review: "Blow your own..." Aswad - Reading Hex 24.10.00 By: Tea-pot Willis

Chr$£&t, s'bloody enormoush... where'd sthey get so many dwarves? 'n' the water, pink n brackish n dribbling n drooling n sloshing all along past the trees and the flamingos. The noise, an incredible noise, where'd they get the noish from? It's just a dam (damn) but it's not just a dam, it's a president n a shop and the sort of packing they use in German crates.

Coming soon:
German crate review
Buying stuff like they sell in the shops review
Pick of the year's reviews
The Best of Pick of the year's reviews for the last few years review
Celebrity prick of the year

Note to Ed: Looks like we drop the review section
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