The round the clock, round the world, round the twist, magic news information roundabout, brought to you this week in association with Ace Sporting Supplies for all your kneepad needs.

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Issue 8

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Politics

Nasty Party officials were back pedaling last night on headline policy announcements at the Party Conference in Boreton last week. The leadership has already had to reverse Shadow Home Secretary Mrs Anne Tandek's announcement that the Nasties would introduce a £100 on the spot fine for stupidity if they ever get into power.

In a series of exclusive interviews, Adenews talked to 14 of the shadow cabinet all of whom admitted to having been stupid in their youth. In a surprise announcement, the Association of Chief Police Officiers also condemned the policy, saying that a high percentage of crime is related to stupidity, and that fines would therefore only encourage stupid people to commit more crimes.

Other Nasty policies in brief:

• Pumping excess flood water into the Channel to try and force mainland Europe further away.
• Replacing the pound with the groat, which is demonstrably more British.
• Making paediatricia illegal
• Forcing dentists to pay all social security benefits for the area where they are based
• Introducing lists of things which sound good, but actually make no sense at all.

Conference report

In a spirit of fairness and balance, we also report on policies announced at the Laboured Party Conference in Brightmouth. Actually, we are not sure what any of these policies were, as our correspondent Mr Legless Oclassicburger has been poached by the BBC for its new ten o'clock news. However, he did leave us some notes, from which we have derived this analysis.

Laboured party policies:

• Three jueentees, izenshlaesh
• Foal brandish
• Unshmal coke
• Cwishpsh (sheezn unshnion or brown cocktail)
• Reeshlash

Conference report II

In a spirit of fairness and compassion, we also have a report from the Wishywashy Party Conference in Slough Leisure Centre.

Cookery corner

This week our celebrity chef Ms Delia Cards explains how to make jam tarts.

I always find the gooseberries are best in season and the jam they make is never fewer than looser. Anyway, you will find it much easier to buy a pot, or jar, if you will, than to make some using ingredients, and so that is what you should do. Never, ever, eat all the jam before you start, as you will be sick, and put off jam tarts for some considerable time. Hold your spoon at the thin end.

Set your oven to 200C. Take the jam and load it into a large catapult, of the type you can buy in Sainsbury's catapult section or any large haberdashery. Sprinkle generously with brown sauce and caster sugar away. Wind catapult to maximum strength and take aim at tart. Fire. Repeat until tart is completely covered in jam, and ideally unconscious where one of the jars has struck her on the temple. This dish is particularly satisfying if you have recently caught the tart playing around with your husband. Remember to switch off the oven again. You didn't really need it but I get royalties from the gas board.

Ten things you never knew about England ex-manager Kevin Keegan

1. He doesn't wear socks, he wears carefully cut open sausages on his feet.
2. He has an O level in arbitrary studies
3. He keeps a mongoose tied to the foot of his bed to protect against badgers
4. He once dated violinist Ivor Bedsock
5. He had his house specially built with a small staircase between each room, although it is a bungalow - no one knows why.
6. His terra-cotta pots were made in Italy.