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The information news source based on a subatomic particle we think we saw once, but are not really sure and if only we had more time we could double-check and make the Americans with their much bigger equipment look like second-rate train-spotters. Brought to you this week in association with Value-Pants, the satellite home shopping channel geared entirely towards selling you underwear based on imitation precious jewel material, for all your imitation underwear needs. Issue 7  Apology
Unfortunately this edition of AdeNews was approximately 12 minutes late due entirely to the down-stream effect of petrol shortages earlier in the week. While it is true that this news service is powered by electrons moving a speeds close to infinity (and is not reliant on petrol), many of the staff are carbon-based life-forms with a propensity for laziness and poor excuses based on dramatic crisis situations. In practice, all Adenews staff could have walked to the office but were simply too idle. The proprietor Mr Groat Ormone would like to apologise for this situation and take this opportunity to draw your attention to the Value-Pants Electric Staff Prodder for maximising personnel efficiency ratings see channel 4892 for more details.
In keeping with global trends in multi-media communication, Adenews is to move its slot to 10pm each evening. This will allow us to compete in a direct way with the BBC's Ten O'Clock news and ITN's reinstated News at Ten. Viewers will be able to compare the content of all three services by quickly flicking between channels giving a surreal, but strangely satisfying experience. Adenews has also timed its advertisement features to coincide with ITV in a bid to maximise viewers' recreational time, allowing them to walk around the courtyard or do sit ups with their toes under their bunks. Speaking on behalf of the BBC, Mr Greg Lesbian said:It's not fair. It was our idea first. Stop doing this you bastards." For Adenews Transglobal World Link, proprietor Mr Gutburst Slobberchops (Serbian Presidential candidate) responded:**@$%&&&!!**&@@!$"
From our correspondent on the scene, Mr Garble Finwizz: Tory News Flash!!!!! The Tory Party (Nazi) today demanded the resignation of the Playboy Adenews Editor, 'Horse' MacLeod (42). MacLeod was clearly seen taking money in the form of change from buxom barmaid 'Big' Betty Buttontop (63). Tory Chairman Something Portaloo claims this action clearly compromises Horse's position, blah blah, something about untenable, pensioners, some drivel and definitely influenced his stand on some other points. Next week in Politics Today: Vote for Guz - tomorrow's man (but yesterday's bonongo dancer).
The bulk haulage industry has given Adenews 60 days to respond to a new set of demands. Adenews proprietor, Mr Goosh E Gandyr, says that the online subatomic particle-based e-source information update's stance remains the same. We cannot really see what it has to do with us, he said. Okay, so we called that lorry driver a self-interested twot, for which we unreservedly apologise. But I must remain firm (thanks to Value-Pants product of the month Body Toning Clingo-Film, in handy 20m rolls). We are not in a position to do anything about these demands. Now sod off. The demands in full are:
The government is to implement a new set of emergency procedures to prevent the country grinding to a halt every time anti-stupidity protesters park in front of cake factories. From now on, all cake is to be delivered electronically via the internet. In the event of a crisis situation, workers in vital services, such as the Adenews canteen, can request additional supplies by email. In addition, a large fleet of Chiniop helicopters is to be modified by the RAF for cake carrying duties. In the event of a future emergency, cake can be airlifted to vital editorial staff, whereever they are in the country. A special panel has been set up to review the biscuit situation.
Mr Grum Oppnuth, proprietor of Adenews has called for the resignation of the Chancellor of the Exchequer following revelations about cash payments to the Adenews fighting fund. We have investigated this matter fully, said Mr Oppnuth. I have checked my Value-Pants Auto Money Calculator in genuine leatherette leopard print, and can find no evidence of any contributions whatsoever. It's a scandal, and someone has to pay.
Dear Mr Pants I would like to congratulate Adenews on its latest money making scheme viz: Value-Pants. This is a truly excellent venture, allowing my good lady wife, Mrs Bigdong to purchase many useful items. Last week she bought nearly 400 pounds worth of genuine bonongo jewellery which now covers her from head to toe, protecting the world from her hideous form. Only yesterday she bought Excludo-Plank, a fascinating innovation costing just 320 pounds and involving a plank of leatherette wood-based material and four attachment devices (nails) via which Mrs Bigdong has prevented my re-entry to our marital abode. This is marvellous, as I will never have to see her again, and my complete financial ruin is but a small price to pay. Keep up the good work! Yours Ivor XXXXXXX |