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The global hyper-delineated, ultra ASDL enabled, wideband, shortarse, interactive, intermedia, quadrature phase shift key modulated e-biEk internet news service brought to you this week in association with Flammable Fred's Petroleum Services for all your queuing needs. Issue 6
Blockades by p/-oteste/-s f/-om the League Against Stupid, Silly o/- Idiotic Entities have had wide-/-eaching consequences. Al/-eady stocks of the lette/- /- a/-e exhausted and supplies of l and p a/-e at thei/- lowest level in 112 yea/-s. The newspape/- and publishing indust/-ies have been ha/-dest hit, but solicito/-s and sign-w/-ite/-s a/-e also beginning to feel the p/-essu/-e. Howeve/-, the p/-otests a/-e having fa/- mo/-e wide /-eaching consequences, b/-inging the count/-y to c/-isis point. Panic buying in supe/-ma/-kets has /-esulted in sho/-tages of vital foodstuffs. Baked beans and b/-ead have been subject to the wo/-st cases of hoa/-ding as shoppe/-s fea/- that supplies of the lette/- b might /-un out. The banking secto/- is also /-eviewing its position. Cu/-/-ently supplies of the pound sign a/-e unaffected, but leading banke/-s fea/- it will be used as a substitute E o/- L when those lette/-s a/-e depleted. Gove/-nment spokesmen admit to being taken completely unawa/-es, and a/-e su/-p/-ised at how swiftly the c/-isis has escalated. T/-anspo/-t ministe/- Lo/-d Biddly Bong of Bung commented: I was honestly unde/- the imp/-ession that lette/- supplies we/-e unlimited; that all you had to do was type them out on you/- compute/-, as many as you needed o/- wanted. Now I discove/- that they a/-e delive/-ed in the small hou/-s by teams of midgets on moto/-cycles. I still can't quite believe it, yet al/-eady the count/-y is g/-inding to a halt when this se/-vice is inte/-/-upted. Adenews has set up a helpline fo/- those needing to find supplies of vital lette/-s. The numbe/- is 01__6 _41__9.
But first:
Scientists have estimated that the hole discovered in the Man Mountain Adventure theme park is now larger that the United States and that it continues to expand. Environmentalists have postulated that the hole has been caused by people keeping their fridge doors closed and they are campaigning for free access to fridges all over the world. Fortunately, structural problems, which might result in the hole situation becoming catastrophic, have been delayed by filling the void with trees uprooted from tropical rain forests. However, campaigners point out that this is a short term solution since it is only a matter of time until the rain forests have been completely cleared. The Adenews environmental booklet: "Keeping the world a safe by covering your body in aluminium foil" is available from all good book sellers.
That William Hague is a baldy git!
The winner was Mrs P U Kebuket of North Leachance.
Are you troubled by badgers? Does your living room carpet have microscopic quantities of black and white dandruff between the fibres? Are protected species secretly watching your television at night? Do your socks keep disappearing individually, only to reappear days later with a faint small of wildlife? Does your biological washing powder sometimes leave a thin black line down the back of your white shirts? Is there a residue in your kettle that can only be explained by watching nature programmes? Do the light switches in your house often seem as if they have been loosened in the night and power tapped off for evil badger experiments? Do you have to keeping nailing bits of your skirting board back into place? Mmmm. Me too.
Undiscovered England 12: Slough (pronounced haschlooff) Most tourists head straight from the sights of central London to the rural idyll of the Cotswolds, or the national parks of the north. But in so doing, they miss the urban/suburban paradise to the west of London, exemplified by that jewel in the crown that is Slough. Slough is a thriving, bustling, post-concrete, supermarket town with both bus and rail facilities. On the periphery, the quasi-industrial quarter boasts some of the finest examples of architecture from the Dilapidation School, with soaring chip board masking jagged glass that is quintessentially modern Britain. Post-suburban neo-sculpture is ubiquitous. On the London Road we can see "Bus Shelter 37" from the Vandal school of artists. With only the briefest of references to an actual bus shelter, the colours are vivid, as are some of the phrases used to describe Sharron's boyfriend. In the centre, where traditionally visitors would be bored by stereotypical supply-chain emporia, Slough planners have been truly inspired. Dispensing with the trivia of construction and style, instead they have gone for statement on a grand scale, by simply dumping huge quantities of brick and rubble from a great height. So do not hurry past. Make sure that Slough is firmly on your itinerary. This supplement has been brought to you in association with the Slough Tourist Board, the League of Big Liars and large quantities of cash. |
SPECIAL C/-ISIS EDITION