The fuzzy-logic artificial intelligence based pan-internet information mega-source and E3 WAP enabled neo-dynamic interactive news service brought to you this week in association with the League for Depressed Animals for all your depressed animal needs.

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Issue 4

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PRESIDENTIAL NEWS

A last minute bid for the Republican nomination as presidential candidate from an unknown military gentleman has hit controversy amid claims he is not a US citizen. Colonel Rusty Hippity Howdydoodee Yopsuree Momsapolpy Votefurmee III launched his eleventh hour campaign on the previous experience ticket. He points out that he is the only candidate who has already been a president. Colonel Votefurmee was president of the South American country of Panadol in the years immediately preceding democracy and claims that his experience of dealing with inner city strife, drugs problems and, in particular, over-ambitious junior officers will be invaluable to the USA.

The George W Bush camp issued a swift rebuttal to the claims he was a wishy washy, clapped out son of satan and, launching their own counter offensive, suggested that Colonel Votefurmee was ineligible to stand for president because he is a foreign national. The Bush camp points to Colonel Votefurmee's striking similarity with the notorious former dictator, and French Open tennis finalist Colonel Arancha Sanchez-Vicario.

MANMOUNTAIN UPDATE

The ManMountain Adventure theme park based in northern France has today announced staggering losses. Chief executive M Albert Datinmaind dismissed stories in the British Tabloid press suggesting that no-one would want to go and see a fat bloke lying on his back in a field but was forced to admit under close questioning that the reason for the losses was that there had not been a single visitor to the theme park. Robert Ayling is 78.

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY

Adenews reviews the media - this week the Silly Season

The Times reports that Sigmundo Watchstrappo (48) of Lasagne, Italy had a lucky escape when a bull charged his car. Slamming the vehicle into reverse to avoid the boorish bovine, he found himself in the Lasagne Museum of Antiquities, or more specifically in the Museum shop filled with copies of ancient pottery. Unfortunately the bull followed him into the shop resulting in a damaged fender and considerable havoc with the shop displays. One observer remarked it was like having a large cow in a pottery department (note to sub-editor please check translation). Fiat Panda is 42.

REVIEWS

This week a special report from the Stenhousemuir Fringe Alternative Comedy Festival

1. Goodness Vicar (Town Hall, Tues) Three large blokes in dog collars shout random architectural phrases at the audience in the manner of bricklayers with constipation. Adenews rating ***
2. Sid's Circus (Town Hall, Wed am) Two small blokes and a cannon. Looks like it is going to be a standard midget being fired out of a cannon show, but in the end just turns out to be two small blokes arguing about who should go first. Adenews rating ****
3. The Bollocky Rollocky Band (Town Hall, Thurs) Five blokes of varying sizes none of whom knows how to tune an instrument or hold a note. Various shouting occurs, not clear if this is part of the show, but reasonably entertaining nonetheless. Small fire may just have been accident on night of preview but should be part of show as it allowed us all to leave early. Adenews rating **
4. Swimming Cramps (Town Hall, Fri) A small woman in dungarees spends the evening moaning about her boyfriend. Use of real icebergs as a backdrop is distracting as the town hall gets rather hot on Fridays due to adjacent chip shop. Top marks for finale, although that particular use of armbands may be banned by Town Council by the time of the main show. Adenews rating ****

Note Adenews ratings are out of 100.