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The pan-global e-commercial multi-media virtual interactive news data-wombat brought to you this week in association with Sad Jim's Internet Cafe - coffee and doughnuts direct through your keyboard. Issue 3
Government plans to overhaul the National Health Service were described as "dramatic" and "radical" by leading health action group "Stop Unnecessary Bed Baths Today" today. Group leader Gavin Toopressure broadly welcomed the additional spending planned for the NHS but pointed out that there were some worrying features in the detail of the Government proposals - specifically:
Sigmundo Bupa is 54.
From our Japanese sports editor Mr Nota Frumuta ** Boules ** Grand Prix de Toulouse - Samdi etc Pierre le Troitoir (Fr) beat Gustave Frigidaire (Bel) 6 & 5 in the opening round. Hervé Snod (Fr) surprisingly defeated by the plucky Irishman Finbar O'Trouser - 12 & 4. Today's bully off 2:30 features Sidney Scron (Fr) vs Patrice Patrice (Fr) and the swine German Gottfried Pantz vs the swine Englishman Jodpers fforjn-Bjorn Tally-Ho. ** Drag racing from Donxter ** All entries disqualified due to new rule on skirt underpinnings.
When Daphne Tilly-Knot, the celebrated Dutch screen idol of the 1930s first wrote about the strange practice of flounder-swindling in her book Myopia for Beginners, few gave it any credence and fewer still actually took up swindling as a hobby. This was ironic because it had been Tilly-Knot's dying wish to see flounder-swindling gain the same kind of acceptance as say plaice bashing, but it was simply not to be. In her last years she was often caught stealing from fishmongers and twice appeared before magistrates on charges of lewd river-based behaviour, but she remained undaunted. Tilly-Knot was a great example to us all, and therefore it is sad, and slightly shocking, to see her work completely ignored by Gary Linneker in his new book My Life in Advertising. It seemed to concentrate almost entirely on football to the determent of fish-based information. This omission is disappointing, and, for me, ruined the whole ambience of the work. £4.99 paperback.
From General SIr Peter Out-Gently BPFD KHHHK HIC and BBAR (rtd) Sir Although an avid sports fan and con artist, I was disappointed that your publication missed the highlight of last week's sheepdog trials viz "the Crown vs Gnasher" on a charge of howling with intent to cause localised flooding. A mis-trial was declared when seven expert witnesses all pointed out that flooding is almost never caused by dogs' howling and is more usually the result of heavy rain and unseasonal tidal conditions. Although the result of this trial was unexpected, it was nevertheless an enthralling occasion and one of the best fixtures this season. I cannot understand why it was not featured in your publication. Yours more is fury than in anger. P Out-Gently Editors note This was indeed an note-worthy trial but unfortunately our court correspondent chose to visit the Nags Head rather than the courtrooms themselves, a practice we cannot wholly condemn since (a) we do not pay our correspondent and (b) it produced the scoop of the week "Live cow in Nag's Head fruit machine".
This week important footballers:
After a year of poor financial performance, low visitor interest and cataclysmic management incompetence, it was announced this week that the virtual entity formerly known as the Millennium Ade is to be purchased by a Japanese consortium lead by the Vymura Bank. Taking over in January next year, the new owners expect to radically improve interest levels by fitting interactive video consoles and having cocaine on tap. |
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