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The International Information super-highway paradigm shift news service brought to you this week in association with Jim's Lifestyle Services Ltd for all your lifestyle needs.

Issue 2

Minimise your sales by ... Politics ... advertising here!

In an exclusive interview with Adenews, Tiny Blur rejected claims that there is too much SPIN in government these days. We all drip-dry our trousers, he said. If we do spin, it is on the short cycle economy setting for minimum environmental impact.

His comments follow intense media speculation that white goods performance is dominating government thinking. We focus on policies, Mr Blur stressed. For example, we have a new policy on dishwasher power ratings which will revolutionise housing, transport, education and the national health service, but mostly the labels which appear on dishwashers.

Mr Blur is 92

Clean your pet animals today Soap Watch Use Norm's Animal Cleaner. It's better than oven cleaner and kinder

Eastenders:: Exclusive news that Old Uncle Bulgaria is to leave the Albert Square soap at the end of the month. Script editors are cagey about the exact circumstances of the departure, but it is thought to involve a prison sentence for littering and a high speed shopping trolley chase across Wimbledon Common.

Brookside:: the much publicised lesbian kick-boxing murder is due to appear on our screens this week and ratings are expected to soar. One group who will not be watching, however, is the League of Methodist Mothers, who have already condemned the programme. They have issued a statement saying that they believe that lesbian kick-boxing should be restricted to the Methodist Mothers Cable Channel where it belongs.

Tickets to all the great sporting events Sport Generally paper with a bit of printing on

Greyhound results

  1. Fancy Nancy 62% (must try harder in maths and science)
  2. Daves Draw 73% (excellent, slightly let down by handwriting)
  3. My Lad 21% (poor - good in religious studies)
  4. Gubbers Revenge 54% (must try harder if he is to get good GCSE grades)
  5. Sideways Sid 66% (please write on both sides of the paper)
  6. Xray Specs 78% (swot!)

Sheepdog trials

  1. Shep - guilty on two counts of public nuisance, 6 months (suspended)
  2. Rover - guilty on three counts of unnecessary growling, 3 days community service

Convert your erections to metric ... Man Mountain update ... Use the Ace auto-multiplier in real leatherette plastic

A European Court of Justice emergency ruling on the decommissioning of the virtual entity formerly know as Man Mountain has found that the process was rife with infringements of the Directive on Metric Units (81/349/EEC). Apparently the whole operation was carried out in foot-pound cubits per square furlong in direct contravention of Europe-wide regulations. Engineers are now faced with the decision on whether to reassemble the whole structure and start from scratch, or simply to multiply everything by 2.18.

Why don't we get letters from proper people Letters to the Editor It's starting to get embarrassing

From Brigadier-General Sir Hubert Publeigh-Plasted RTA Irish Guards (rtd)

Sir

I am writing to refute the rumours which have been circulating about me, and to condemn, in the strongest possible language, the use of the term insurance fraud in connexion with myself and Lady Publeigh-Plasted. The inferno which engulfed the garden shed at Publeigh Manor was a tragic accident, but one which only hindsight could have foreseen. It was unfortunate, I will own, that I mistook petrol for creosote when I decided to paint the shed, and it was sheer bad luck that the flamethrower I was testing for Boys Toys Monthly had an unserviceable ignition switch. Some might question why I was carrying a military grade flamethrower on a simple shed-painting exercise, but I would say to those people, remember the old Publeigh motto: Nil flambemus con sheddo painterabilus. Now all that remains is for me to write to old Biffo Squaggins and apologise for trespassing on his lawns at the Manor. If past form is anything to go by, I am sure he will be very.

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Of course who knows when it was three weeks from Note for your diary Only people who can count

Only three and a half weeks to go to the Royal National Show at Brisbane. Book your tickets now to avoid disappointment.

Didn't Herbie die? Leo the Lion's Lists Oh no that was Ken Dodd

This week, important Beetles:

  1. John
  2. Paul
  3. George
  4. Ringo
  5. Herbie
  6. Sid the Dung
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