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The award-winning 24hr interactive virtual super-highway-based information update service Issue 1
Following last week's sad news that the Man Mountain would cease to exist as a biological entity, we can report that decommissioning work is now complete. Much of the disposal exercise is also finished thanks to our involvement with Dave's Dogs and Burgers, and a particularly cold Wimbledon fortnight. Most of the support metalwork, beams and girders have been transferred to Tate Modern's Great Catastrophes of Our Time Exhibition (12 - 13 July 2000). A cinematic record of the large explosions which initiated decommissioning is to run as a continuous tape-loop at the Millennium Dome.
Do you suffer from low self esteem? Try the new revolutionary wonder drug Canifarteaze in easy-to-swallow tablet form. It was actually developed for dogs with digestive problems but, hey, its only you. Send your begging letter to: Canifarteaze, The Quints, Quonts DO1 7GS.
Sir As a senior member of the Cantbend and Fallover Bloodhounds you can imagine, I would imagine, my disgust and horror at the disgusting and horrible events described in your last publication. Not only did I have to protect my good lady woof (excuse me, wife) from the filth and depravity by stuffing fire lighters down the front of her spectacles (and only by my swift reaction and the sheer good fortune of an unseasonably damp July was such action possible), not only that, but I also have to report a degree of horror, which I have not myself experienced since the Wadi-wadis attacked on that fateful night during the battle of kwimbliquam, except possibly several other occasions too horrible to mention. The Quoombaba incident for one. I must insist, in the strongest possible terms, that writing of this type appears in the future, and frequently to boot. That is all for now. Yours faithfully Colonel Farangawanga Smithering-Wittless DOG and BAR (mostly bar) rtd, Veteran of Mafking, Burgrking, Elvistheking.
The modern practice of selling self-adhesive stamps has resulted in many people resorting to licking other, often quite inappropriate, items, the Consumers' Association reports. A particular safety issue has been highlighted in households fitted with roller blinds. The phenomenon of conventional postage has, until now, completely masked the problem of uncontrollable lick urges. Approximately 35% of the population suffers from this embarrassing condition, according to some estimates (although other estimates put the figure as low as 0.0000002%). Email is largely to blame, removing not only the much loved stamp, but also the traditional craftsman-built envelope. The issue only came to light following a Department of Health report into the dramatic increase in admissions into this country's hospitals of people with roller-blind related injuries. According to Dr Alva Drop, DoH spokesman: Some simply have minor singeing around the ears, while others have much more serious injuries. One man ended up with a tongue more than 15 feet long. |
Man-mountain report