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From the online information update 24 hour round the clock news source that's behind our boys (those of them that don't kill or maim, anyway), side by side with the good old U S of A and way out in front of CNN.


Issue 37

Chemical weapon finds

The US army has discovered millions of gallons of chemical weapons hidden in the Iraqi desert.

The announcement came shortly after the US Department of Habitual Ineptitude reclassified certain black organic compounds as weapons of mass destruction.

"This material will be shipped back to the US and made safe by burning in specially adapted units known as motavee hickles," said DoHI spokesman Chuck A Wayinternationaldiplomacy. "This is proof, if any were needed, of what an evil bastard Sadam is."

Transportation will be undertaken by specialist US firm Exxon. The new chemical weapon has been designated Organic 1, Lethal and barrels will carry markings to reflect that, according to Exxon sources.

"If civilians in the area see barrels marked in this way, they should report them to us," said Exxon spokesman, Mr Smoke Burner. "We need the stuff bad ... erm, that will allow us to dispose of it appropriately."

Reports of fighting

Adenews reporters traveling with the 5th Political Corps have confirmed that fighting has broken out within the labour party.

"There was definitely smoke, and possibly a loud bang," reported reporter Rex Porter. "From where I am situated, which obviously I cannot tell you about for strategic reasons, I can see most of the carpet beyond the desk, and part of a corridor."

Adenews veteran Lucas Leikitvillbeoverbychristmas is at Pacifist HQ somewhere we cannot name in the region of Islington. "I was with Robin Cook earlier today, and I can say with some certainty that there are signs of conflict. Mr Cook has been pacing up and down, and my view is that he wouldn't be doing that if there wasn't something afoot."

And now over to Sal Voe in Downing Street where the Prime Minister is just issuing a statement: "Yes, Mr Blinkered has just described Mr Cook as 'a bastard for whom I have the highest regard'. He went on to say that this was proof, if proof were needed that the Iraqi regime is indeed evil. After that, I cannot really tell you what the Prime Minister said, because I was already talking to you, and so I wasn't able to listen to him. But I think we now have to accept that some kind of event is occurring, if indeed it has not already occurred."

Adenews specialist analyst Spike Yallanalyst specially analyses these events later in this special report.

French warn of moral wrong

The French President M Jacques Mittershack de Gaul has warned that the current US activity is immoral and unwelcomed by most of the French-speaking world. "What M WankaBush does not understand is that French oil company Total had already negotiated several lucrative deals with the Iraqi regime. Now he proposes that his army takes over the country and awards all those contracts to Exxon and BP. This is highly immoral business practice. It was a fair fight and US companies lost."

Russian premier Vladimir A Disaster backed the French President and said his country too would have vetoed the action in the UN. "LucOil was doing quite nicely in Iraq and now the Americanski are going to ruin that. We are really very pissed off."

China is also against the US invasion, although it has no oil companies in the region. "Confucious say: 'anything American do is bad'," said Chinese leader Dung Lee Serecumbant.

Shock and awe tactics approved

The US strategy of shock and awe has been approved by Air Vice Marshall Sir Arthur 'Bomber' Harris. Speaking via a media, Mrs Doris Ajar, he said: "It worked conclusively for us in the 1940's and I don't see why it cannot work again. It is a tried and tested strategy, and those who said huge bombing raids boosted German morale rather than damage it are talking rot."

The Air Vice Marshall drew several other parallels between the current conflict and the Second World War, notably the fact the Americans were putting far more effort into weapons of mass destruction than anyone they were fighting.

US military strategist Herb Siforbrains welcomed Harris's comments saying: "With dead people on our side we will surely have those I-raqis licked."


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