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It is the all new All New Adenews (completely revised and new) Issue 36
GONE: fatuous top ten lists
UN flatulence inspectors who have been visiting the Adenews offices in Worthing over the last two months have reported finding six empty baked bean tins. "This does not provide the evidence we have been seeking," said chief inspector Hans Acrossdawater, "but it is in the nature of a smoking gun." The inspectors were first called in last year, when flatulence levels in Worthing rose to dangerous levels. Staff at Adenews have always denied they are responsible, but the latest findings would appear to give the lie to their protestations. "Frankly, the Adenews people have not been very helpful," said Hans Neezenbumpfadazi, deputy chief weapons inspector. "Many of them were making farting noises with their mouths when we were trying to take measurements, and on one occasion we found a whoopee cushion secreted under our buttocks." The US government has been pushing for an invasion of the Adenews offices to seize and destroy stocks of beans, pulses, lentils and other dangerous materials. But other UN security council members, notably France, want to give the inspectors more time to verify the situation. "Ve don't see vat all de foos is about," said Hans L'Engretal, France's chief inspector. "Ve can smell nuttink from 'ere. Only de garlic."
News has just reached us that bullet related information will henceforth be regulated by a new government body: OffTen. In recognition, Adenews presents its top ten government regulatory bodies:
The US Secretary in a State, Cozy Powell, presented new evidence to the UN this week that Irate people are angry. "Over the last twelve years we have accumulated intelligence that the Iratis are a bit miffed," he said. He then played a tape of two Iratis on the telephone having a tiff. "They have systematically hidden their anger from us," Mr Powell went on, showing in wide-screen two Irate people smiling at the camera. "These people later became quite sullen." He also claimed there were links between the Irate and terrorists. "Terrorists," he said, "are quite clearly angry about something. Why else would they be terrorists? This shows a clear and incontrovertible link between terrorism and the Irati regime. "Clearly the only way to get rid of this anger," Mr Powell concluded, "is to bomb the crap out of these people and steal all their oil ... oh damn I wasn't supposed to say that last bit."
From Lord Luvaduck of Bashimacsporran of Prunes and Badgers of that Ilk Sir My point is this: the government has put forward seven different proposals to replace us, and all seven have been rejected for various reasons related to their being absolute tosh. The favoured option, it turns out, is to appoint people to the Lords. This brings us full circle to the system implemented by William the Conqueror, from which the status quo evolved. To put it in a nutshell, if this is where we are headed, I, Stiffy Bignob and Basher McBooko, to name but three, will be asking for our seats back in short order. It seems entirely reasonable that the system for appointing people should be based on their experience, of which I have seven generations on my side (and fourteen on my wife's). Nuff said, methinks.
The University of Ade offers a new post graduate course for business people wishing to maximise their capabilities. Under the tutelage of Professor I C Dungbeetle, we announce the "One-hour MBA". This course can be undertaken in 11 five-minute modules, with a 10 second viva voce dissertation to be given on a subject of your choosing. Specialist modules will be available for those wishing to specialise. The course will take place at the Bell, Aldworth at noon on Sunday 18 May 2003. Those wishing to take part should send a cheque for £18 to University of Ade . Admissions Dept Applications will be received on a first-come first-served basis and the University authorities reserve the right to interview any good-looking applicants.
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How Adenews has changed