The E-lated pan-virtual subatomic fanzine-based hyper information super-service brought to you this week in association with Len's Chronology Reordering Services for chrono needs your logical all reordering

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Issue 35

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European enlargement

Plans for enlargement by the European Onion may be vetoed by the people of Ireland in a referendum later this week. Although the 'drag and drop' strategy proposed by the European Commission would see each country gain about 25% extra land, the Irish are worried because Dublin would end up about 30 miles inland, and severe problems with the ferries are foreseen.

There are also concerns about the cost of the enterprise. Ireland has among the lowest levels of taxation in Europe and anti-enlargement campaigners claim that there would need to be a 45% increase in tacks simply to keep all the carpets down.

If Irish voters veto the plan, there is a chance that the rest of Europe would go ahead anyway. This would see the Irish Sea becoming the Irish River, and the Isle of Man would have to be positioned on stilts over Ireland.

Greek election results - full list of new members

• Mr Alpha Particle
• Mr Beta Bocka
• Dr Gamma Olyaluvin
• Ms Delta Blowtohispride
• Mr Epsilon Waytotiperaree
• Miss Zeta Jones (no relation)
• Mr Eta Yadinna
• Miss Theta Goer
• Mr Iota Myself
• Mr Kappa Nand
• Ms Lambda Pasanda
• Mr Mu Ziktomyears
• Mr Nu Varient CJD
• Mrs Xi Lophone
• Dr Omicron Ikasthma
• Mr Pi N Chips
• Mr Michael Rho Daboat
• Ms Sigma Ownshoes
• Prof Tau Dreadfully
• Mrs Upsilon U Turninme (Roundandround)
• Mr Phi Raphiter (on strike)
• Miss Chi V Ously
• Miss Psi Deeply
• Mr Omega Dnomoregreeklettersplease

Massive media merger

Following claims that ITV companies Carlton and Granada are to merge, new rumours are circulating of a counter-merger between Man Mountain Enterprises (which publishes Adenews) and Granada. Although the resulting company would be much smaller than a combined Carlton/Granada, the Adenews owners claim that Granada shareholders may be swayed by its strong presence in the Twyford area.

If the merger goes ahead, Adenews' current three staff would take over the running of Granada, while existing Granada staff would be redeployed elsewhere (Man Mountain Slagheaps Ltd).

Speaking for Man Mountain, Grap L Inirons (proprietor) said: "Financial experts have called our offer derisory, but they fail to take account of Adenews' very real strengths. You simply cannot put a price on our levels of quality and integrity." Shares in Adenews fell to 4p on the news.

Gardening tips from Argle Sweeteyre

At this time of year, people are always asking me what to do about their relationships. My answer is that I simply don't know. I'm a gardener, you silly sods, leave me alone! That said, it is generally true that insufficient attention is paid to dead-heading.

Camel racing from Uxbridge

1:30 Abdul's Fence Shop Handicap Chase - race abandoned as all camels had the hump.
2:30 Ditto
3:30 Ditto
4:30 Ditto

Disclaimer

This issue of Adenews was produced under the extreme mental pressure of the party conference season and the publishers cannot be said to have been in their right minds at any time during the preparation of the text. Wildly inept political views may also have distorted the information presented. Remember, your property may be at risk if you start taking bricks out from the bottom.