Adenews

The bio-diveristy-based, eco-warrior friendly, recycled, reprocessed, organic, nuclear free, relational database-based information update service working round the clock to bring you the latest news-related facts and topical recipes from the stars

Issue 34

I'm a politician get me out of here

The Adenews celebrity competition which saw senior politicians standing in the Australian Outback with worms in the underpants, was won last week by former celebrity Tony Blairburn. It premier, Libyan President Colonel Tara Gaddafi-Tompkinson was a close second.

The competition, where viewers voted to have unspeakable acts performed on their favourite B-list politicians, was one of the most popular programmes on AdeTV this year, reaching peak audience figures of 7.

Speaking at a press conference after the event, Col Gaddafi-Tompkinson said: "Tony deserved to win. He was shy and modest, and really, everyone warmed to him. When Presidents Bushwakka and Sadam were needling each other and making life miserable for everyone else, Tony just said 'hey guys, let's see what the UN says'."

For AdeTV, head of programming Mr Grime E Shirtcuff, said: "nobody really watched the competition while it was on, but it received so much press coverage afterwards that I think you can count on seeing a lot more of this kind of thing." AdeTV later announced plans for a competition where religious leaders will bash each other about the heads with frying pans.

Those top ten Bills

Mr Bill E Uss
Mr Bill Erikki
Mr Bill Zindipost
Mr Bill Tuparea
Duke Bill de Platipus
Mr Bill E Bong
Mr Bill E Seccid
Professor Bill Wrestler
Mr Bill Chards-Entoast
Inspector Bill Dinz

Germany apologises to the US

German Chancellor Herr Schroeder-Length this week apologised to the US for comments made in AdeGerblinken by his minister for witticisms, Ms Herta Uer-Reputaschun. She was reported as saying: "That President Bush is a bit like Hitler - you know short and ugly."

Ms Uer-Reputashun now claims that what she actually said was: "That President Bush is a lovely, lovely man - not a bit like Hitler."

A White House spokesman welcomed the apology and stressed that the President had no plans to invade Poland in order to draw attention away from his mishandling of the Iraq affair. A recently-agreed defence contract for two million jack-boots was, he claimed, an administrative error.

Greyhound results

Fancy Nancy 62% (must try harder in maths and science)
Daves Draw 73% (excellent, slightly let down by handwriting)
My Lad 21% (poor - good in religious studies)
Gubbers Revenge 54% (must try harder if he is to get good GCSE grades)
Sideways Sid 66% (please write on both sides of the paper)
Xray Specs 78% (swot!)

Sheepdog trials

Shep - guilty on two counts of public nuisance, 6 months (suspended)

Rover - guilty on three counts of unnecessary growling, 3 days community service

Disclaimer

This issue of Adenews has been compiled by small rodents who are not, under English Law, legally responsible for anything they may have written. You can try suing if you like, but we will gnaw holes in your skirting boards if you try. Remember: the value of David Blunkett to society can go down as well as up. Your home and contents may be at risk if you set fire to them.