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Brought to you in association with Labour Party Funding PLC for all your dodgy rip-off-the-taxpayer-on-behalf-of-big-business needs. Issue 31 Click here for the German language version of this page In this week's Adenews:
A little over a year ago, Man Mountain Enterprises, the company which runs Adenews, underwent radical restructuring. This involved the purchase of many overseas information update operations such as Swedenews (based in Sweden), Deutschebundesgergeinergerblinkenerfartenzeneiuzer und Informationsdienst (based in Germany), Sexi Numéro Cinq l'Information de Nouvelles Aujourd'hui (based in France), and Servizio d'Informazione Internazionale dell'Aggiornamento di Notizie (based in Wales), together with a new tiered management structure, and a change of name to Informia, reflecting the organisation's new up beat aims. With the announcement last week of losses in excess of £480,000,000, 000, the company is now tacitly admitting that the strategy may have failed. Swedenews has been sold to the rival Norwegian internet service Gutigutilotzatittis for 1Kr, while the offices of Deutschebundesgergeinergerblinkenerfartenzeneiuzer und Informationsdienst have been relocated to Worthing, with staff cuts of around 30,000. A German language service will continue to be offered, although it will use English words with no spaces and additional zs and umlauts. The French news service has been split into two streamlined operations focussing on the more profitable parts of the business. These are Sexisexetplusdesex and Beaucoup de Sex Aujourd'hui. The activities of the tiered management structure involving over 4130 managers and administrative staff have been taken over by Mrs Target-by-Miles, of the accounts department. Informia has also announced that it will change its name back to Man Mountain Enterprises to reflect the organisation's new stance of professionalism and integrity. Speaking for MME, Mr Gray Zing-Animals, proprietor said: "Claims of gross mismanagement are exaggerated. In fact I fit in a large quite comfortably." The company says it will not be delivering any post for the foreseeable future.
Adenews is to adopt a new flag following the discovery that its old flag is offensive in some parts of Egypt. The existing flag has been used over 35 years and simply involves the word Adenews, and the familiar globe logo device. Unfortunately, when viewed from the reverse side, and treating the globe as an O, the flag reads zwenebao, which is lower-Egyptian for donkey crap. Careful checking has been undertaken worldwide before unveiling the new flag. Hoisted for the first time today in Worthing, the designs symbolises a unity of purpose with a single human digit, and includes the word xollod, which is ancient Greek for solidarity. Speaking for Adenews, Mr Horse McWithers, Editor admitted "I don't really see why we changed. Egyptian donkey crap was a pretty good description of our product anyway."
Old Mrs Plum-Stupid's recipe for disaster ½ oz Politicians (certainly no more, this is
dangerous stuff)
2oz contempt
3lbs sand
80,000 tons of fatigued metalwork
300 miles of out-of-date signalling (the new type
of signalling won't do)
4oz complacent management
30 years underinvestment
Mix well in a Potter's Bar. Put head in the sand. Hope for the best. Regulo 7. Coming soon: Old Mrs Flitepath's recipe for disaster using privatisation, new computers and low moral, for an explosive dish.
The tide of right-wing extremism sweeping across Europe has reached Worthing, with the anti-stupidity candidate polling well in this week's election of a new Adenews Editor. The incumbent, Mr Horse McWhisperer rose to the challenge, but saw his majority shrink to 14 stone 2, its lowest level for 38 years. Norman L Levels, the anti-stupidity candidate polled 8 stone 4, his best performance since Munich. Speaking after the results were announced, he said: "People say I am a racist, but it is simply not true. All I want is for more sensible people to be in positions of power in this country, no matter what their race, colour or creed. That said, Scottish people clearly are not cut out for positions such as editorships. No-one can understand what they are saying, they are always pissed, and they wear those off-putting check skirts."
It has come to our attention that there is far too much coverage of items relating to Germany and the war. For this reason, Adenews will not be featuring the Lufthansa nostalgia trips taking WWII bombers over East London, nor will be mention the recent revelation that Kaiser Wilhelm planned to invade the USA, although in each case it was quite tempting.
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Name change notice