Adenews

The online electrobabble news information update service recovered from up Olga Korbut's jumper, injected with MMR and brought to you in association with Deny Everything Legal Services Inc

Issue 30

In this issue of Adenews:

University of Ade defends its decision to use only the question "Explain dath" as entire biology GCSE.
Nevada refuses to renew Adenews licence to practice ear surgery in the state
Bank of Ade declares recession over but interest rates at lowest level ever
Frying fish - how to confuse Japanese tourists in Scotland

Sculpture Trouble

A fourteen foot high marble sculpture of the first woman managing director of Man Mountain Enterprises (now Informia PLC), Mrs Getovia Horse has caused a storm of controversy. Speaking to assembled staff, Mr Gawd Luvus, the current proprietor said:

"I am absolutely not having that monstrosity in my foyer!"

On being asked for her views, Mrs Horse commented that it was "a lovely, lovely statue. He has even made my boils look beautiful".

Under the hastily amended Informia constitution, statues of former bosses are not permitted on company premises until the subjects are dead (and therefore cannot complain when we pulverise their likenesses). Obviously the 18 foot gold representation of Mr Luvus's phallus from which the flag hangs outside the front door is exempt from this ruling, because it is not strictly speaking on company premises, and anyway it is, according to Mr Luvus, more of a moulding than a sculpture.

However, there is growing pressure from some quarters for the statue to be placed in the Informia reception area. According to Mr Dee Panfrier, proprietor of the Worthing Chip Emporium, adjacent to the Informia offices:

"When people see that horrible thing, they might be so scared that they run straight into my shop and in their weakened state I can sell them saveloys."

Jubilee Plans

Plans to celebrate 50 golden years of Adenews have met with a cool reception from the public. A survey published in the online news information source E-Pornentits showed that nine out of ten people had no idea what function Adenews was supposed to perform, five out of ten thought Adenews was a throw-back to the seventeenth century and three out of ten preferred the Simpsons. Five out of seven cats preferred E-Purrenscratch the online feline news information update service.

Her Majesty the Queen commented: "I quite like Adenews, but I see what people mean - it is a load of old rubbish."

Those Tip Top Top Ten Johnnies

Johnny Datdahip
Johnny Taccount
Johnny Comelately
Johnny Ingadots
Johnny Entonic
Johnny R School
Johnny Kemail
Johnny Torialservices
Johnny Yuaryfebruary
Major Johnny Problem

Movie Reviews

Gosforth Park - our film critic Gary Norbut reports: I went to see this on the day it was supposed to open and found it to be firmly closed. Moreover it was not a film at all, but a racecourse on the outskirts of Newcastle. I could see nothing of the nineteenth century upstairs downstairs detective melodrama promised in the press release, but I can report that the going was good to soft, which was just as well or I would never have outrun those rough-hewn Geordie security guards.

Remains of the Day - well not very much, frankly, by the time I had been on a wild bloody goose chase to Newcastle and back.

Puzzle Corner

Ships in bottles, eh? We can see how. But why?

Missing Editor

Police are asking the public to keep an eye out for missing Adenews Editor Mr Horse McThroat, who has not been seen for several days. The alarm was raised when it was discovered that the entire safe at the Bank of Ade had been emptied, apparently simultaneously with the Editor's disappearance.

Although stocks in the Bank of Ade fell sharply on the news, Mr Grubby Hansofmymoney, Bank Manager said that the loss of a single 27p stamp was unlikely to sink the bank. Ruin was more likely, he said, to result from the fact that the stamp was the only deposit made in the bank in the last year.