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The live on-line news information update service bringing you live up-to-the-minute reports from the War on Stupidity. Round the World, Round the Clock, Round the Twist. Issue 29 In this issue of Adenews:
The troubled communications giant Informia (formerly Man Mountain Enterprises, formerly Post Office Counters) has announced the demerger of its mobile telecoms information update service, SellCrap. The new company, called w?H2O will continue to use the SellCrap brand, although it is thought that this is just the start of a predictable downward spiral which will see w?H2O sold to its arch rival Vodapornentits for less than tuppence. Meanwhile Informia's boss, Mr Glad Tidings (formerly Lord Tidings of Joy) has admitted that the £30billion cost of rebranding the company has placed serious constraints on its operating capital. "The gold 'Informia' sign outside head office cost £9billion alone," Tidings admitted. In an unrelated story, Informia has announced the loss of 30,000 jobs from its Adenews Offices above the chip shop in Worthing High Street. Commenting for Adenews, Mr Horse McThroat, Editor said: "This is just a paper accounting exercise to save money in the short term. We don't actually employ 30,000 people, so shedding the jobs will be painless for most families in the area. The only slight confusion is whether the cuts will affect the guys working in the chip shop."
Four reports on the terrible Anne Robinson anti-Welsh activity in the summer have all concluded that it is the fault of the Welsh themselves. They need to integrate better into society so that any Welshness they might have is diluted, making them far less irritating to Ms Robinson. One proposal is that Welsh people should be forced to run corner shops and garages, where they will come into regular contact with English people and learn to talk about cricket and sausages like normal people. While the government is likely to stop short of banning leaks altogether, it is thought that Welsh people will be encouraged to use them only in traditional English dishes, such as Lamb Pasander.
What connects:
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Nutritionists working at the University of Ade Food Laboratories (formerly The Right Plaice, Worthing) have discovered that many foodstuffs thought to be healthy may in fact be bad for you. Speaking on behalf of UAFL, Prof Hideous Remarks said: "We have incontrovertible evidence that cheese makes your bones thin, bread, particularly whole grain bread, causes memory loss and erm ... and most vegetables can result in irreparable damage to the immune system, particularly if dropped on you in large sacks from great heights." The research has concluded that the main evil is moderation. "It was thought that any foodstuff taken in moderation was good for you," Prof Remarks remarked. "In fact, we have discovered that the only safe way to consume food is in excess. Huge volumes of fat, sugar, chips, pies and marsbars are the only way to guarantee you will not die of moderation. Most people ignore this fact, and are very likely to die at some point."
Editor's note: Thank Chris that's over with. |
Telecoms demerger