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Coming to you by satellite direct from the Worthing area of West Sussex (definitely not any Gurkha restaurants), we proudly present the new postwar globalised all-religious-persuasion-friendly international news update service, brought to you this week in association with Mullah Rice. Issue 28
The Adenews offices have been retaken by the forces of the Northern Rock Building Society. Apparently a payment was missed in 1984. Speaking for Adenews, Gulag Twoshoes, Proprietor said: "This is extremely good news, as our mortgage terms made the regime in the office very oppressive. For example, women were not allowed to appear unclothed, which was seriously damaging revenues from our porn channel." The Americans had apparently asked the Building Society to stop short of entering the offices, while a puppet editorial team could be assembled, but overcome with enthusiasm, a clerk in Northern Rock's Newcastle office was unable to resist issuing a Notice to Repossess. However, a new editor is on standby in a secret location deep beneath the hills of North Dakota, waiting to be flown into the Adenews offices at instant notice. Mr Al Americansaregreat is expected to take over in due course. Meanwhile, Mr Horse McTavish, former editor, is thought to be on the run and hiding out in the Foothills Gurkha Restaurant, Worthing. (oops blown that one).
The British Government has proposed radical new laws to combat stupidity. Anyone who even looks vaguely stupid will be locked up for an indeterminate period, without facing a trial. Human rights activists have objected to the arbitrary locking up of the stupid-looking, as it will affect most of them. They point out that it is in direct contravention of the European Bill of Rights which states that anyone is allowed to look as stupid as they like, a clause thought to have been introduced by European Commissioner Sir Leon Brittan. However, the Government says that the risks from stupidity are simply too high, and they have to err on the side of caution. "Even if we have to lock the whole country up, we'll do it because that will reduce the chances of stupid people doing dangerous things," said Home Secretary David Blunderingabout. Human rights lawyers point out that if enacted, the legislation will be difficult to repeal since all the government and most of the opposition parties will be in jail. "It puts power into the hands of a few shady individuals who happen to look a bit sensible," said Jim Bedamned of specialist law firm Publish & Bedamned. "But how can we really be sure they are not the stupid ones?"
England scored 2,412 runs off one over today, an unprecedented feat, achieved primarily due to the surrounding machine gun fire. Asquith was leg bowled, but later claimed he was put off by a leg flying towards him rather than a cricket ball. Just before lunch, Hulme had an exquisite catch at silly mid off, stopping the missile just before the detonator hit the ground. McMillan was run out, but then ran back in again, and Eden was on explosive form, probably due to the minefield at short leg. Gladstone was declared the man of the match. He spent it at home in Neasden.
The new Hairy Putter movie went on general release today. The story, from J K Rollingincash's famous books, involves a magic golf club which mysteriously sprouts hair at inopportune moments, with hilarious consequences. Highlights include the magic nine hole course installed at Kings Cross Station between platforms 8 and 9 which delays all trains to Doncaster by up to 10 years. The film features the fantasy game "golf", an impossible conceit whereby small white balls are hit around some fields. "I didn't understand it myself," said Adenews film critic, Flim Kritik, "but I took my grandad and he loved every minute."
A quick tick-it-and-see guide to your stupidity levels, sponsored by the Home Office. 1. If you see a multistorey carpark blocking your path do you:
2. If you see a zebra crossing, do you:
3. If you are on the inside lane doing fifty and you see a distant figure fly tipping, do you:
4. A distant relative offers you his place on a banongo spotting trip. Do you:
Answers
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Adenews Liberated