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In keeping with other news information sources: a digest of tragedy, gloom, pain, suffering and futility - nothing new there then. Issue 27 In this weeks special philosophical edition of Adenews:
Nihilists believe in nothing, although extreme nihilists refute even this since believing in nothing would involve believing in belief. Instead they nothing in nothing and get around the apparent paradox that nothing is not a verb by saying that they don't believe in verbs, or more usually that they don't not nothing in verbs. The rise of extreme nihilism is threatening the foundation of many people's spirituality. Whereas a traditional nihilist when asked to pass the salt would reply "sorry I don't believe in salt", extreme nihilists can only reply "salt?", giving them the reputation as grumpy neonihilists. They are tearing at the very fabric of language since most refuse to believe in any word other than nothing. Zealots claim that nothing is also technically something but since they refuse even to use this word, no one really knows what they believe. Dame Shirley Staplegun of the Centre for Nothing (also known as the Middle of Nowhere) claims that traditional Nihilism has a lot to offer. "When I say a lot," she says, " I mean absolutely nothing. That is the whole point, or would be if there was any point." Big Fat Zero is an organisation which has been set up to extol the benefits of extreme neonihilism, although none of its staff actually subscribe to the philosophy themselves because otherwise they would not be able to talk to anyone. Mr Dave Spannersenthings, president of BFZ says: "if there is nothing, not even nothing, then you might as well lock yourself in a room and throw away the key. That is what we are trying to encourage people to do. Me, I have to dash. I have an appointment with the Ziegfeld girls."
Mr Ian Dungworth Smith has been elected as new Editor of Adenews after Mr Horse McVaguely resigned in response to a torrent of complaints about crapness. Mr Dungworth Smith was positive about the future of Adenews commenting: "I think we have to regard crapness as a virtue. It was certainly what Adenews readers were voting for when they voted for me. I envisage no change in editorial policy, only more so, and let that be a lesson to you." Commenting for Informia, owners of Adenews, Mr Grap L Ingirons, president said: "in these tragic times, no one is going to notice one extra small tragedy. That is how we view this appointment, and we hope it is how you will view it too."
The Adenews interplanetary golf championship, scheduled to take place in January 2010 has had to be cancelled due to the grief of prominent American competitors. Speaking for the US players, Mr Woolly Woofter (very badly under par) said: "We are all too sad to play. The terrorists must be shown that they cannot grind us down, and we intend to do that by hiding under our beds until the President has nuked everything that moves. Prominent personalities such as myself must set an example in this matter." In a related news item, Kevin Curlitop, former England football manager revealed that football is, after all, just a game. "In the last few years, experts have said that football is of major political significance, but it turns out to be just a game where 22 blokes in shorts who should know better run around a field kicking a ball. It has come as a terrible shock to many of us."
We have just received reports that specialist paratroopers from the Dyslexia Corps have stormed Harrods. Apparently they had a tip off that Bed Linen was on the second floor.
Aidé nuese internationale's Pierre Review réports les plus latest teep tap 'its d'Europe as fellows:
Locally
M Review is now resting.
At last night's Garage Awards the brick-built up-and-over double with the pitch roof at No 7 Acacia Drive, St Albans took Best Newcomer Award, while Mr Spriggit's allotment shed won a lifetime achievement award. Look out for the full report in the next edition of Adenews. |
The Adenews guide to Nihilism