Protests prevent school restart

Stupidity protesters have prevented many schools from reopening after the summer break, with violent clashes in some areas. Angry mobs are thought to believe that children walking to school are riding roughshod over pavement rights.

"Pavements are quite literally being worn down by this scandalous behaviour," said Mavis Hotterthanoctober, one of the protesters. "Pavements have rights too, you know. We believe that any child caught walking on a pavement should be shot through the head and then forced to do 12 GCSEs."

Commenting exclusively to Adenews, Headmaster Mr Stern Upbringing said "I don't see the problem. I feel that I am an enlightened, liberal kinda guy, yet even I think that pavements are intended for walking on. It is ridiculous to think that the government will, as the protesters demand, cover all pavements with soft woolly jumpers, because if they did we'd have the woolly jumpers on our back."

Exams get easier - official

A seven year investigation into why exam grades improve ever year has concluded that the exams are getting easier. In order to balance the education system, the government is looking at a number of proposals including upgrading people who have taken exams in previous years. This would work on a sliding scale, so that someone who got four Ds and an F 22 years ago will now be entitled to 9 As and a B.

"The disadvantage of this scheme," explained government spokesman Mr Grum B Le Groan, "is that some dustmen will now be entitled to an upgrade to high court judge. It could cost millions to put the whole thing right."

Bridge at just the right distance

In a replay of the great 1944 clash, England's football team has taken the bridge at Arnhem by five tanks to one. SS Strumbannhofffuehrer Helmolz Koilz commented: "Ve voz gerobbed, gergeiner gerblinken, unt ve ist allen zikenzeparrotfartz."

Adenews Technology Forum

Subscribers to Adenews can now upgrade to the full platinum service which includes free entry (but we charge if you want to stay) to the Adenews Technology Forum. Membership benefits include:

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Reader's letter

Sir,
I was on my way to work, avoiding the toll roads, when I came upon a small group of subsidy & cider fuelled yokels. Having shot all of their charges they were well advanced in putting together their latest Countryside (don't like that Tony Bollix) Top Ten. We assumed that your esteemed publication would be interested:

• Wheat kind of foal am I?
• The sound of silage
• Woman you're too Fergie, Fergie {hey let's hope Kathy doesn't see this one, you know how she takes all this stuff personally}
• Vets a matter you?
• Ploughed Mary
• Forage a jolly good fellow
• You are the combine of my life
• And the lights all went out in Mastitis
• Barn to be wild
• The pub with no byre
• Hectare's house
• {definite No 1 for Christmas} Careful with that ox Eugene!

Cue Archers' tune {not Geoff}, end.

Count Rees Choir (Trousers Bagshot, and Bar (Baaa))