|
The bio-diveristy-based, eco-warrior friendly, recycled, reprocessed, organic, nuclear free, on-line relational database-based information update service. Issue 24
Adenews Proprietor, Lord Grock of Schitz, has ended a long and distinguished career in publishing and politics by being thrown in jail. Despite the friendship of a host of high ranking political figures and A-list celebrities, cultivated at weekly parties on his luxury yacht, Grock was found guilty on seventeen counts of sheep rustling. Commenting after the trial, Lady Grock, who has stood by her husband throughout, said "I simply don't understand it. Why would a multimillionaire living in central London want to steal sheep? And why my husband would have anything to do with a dodgy company like Porno-sheep is quite beyond me." Former colleagues were less understanding: "I always knew he was a pervy bastard," said Arts Minister Mr Woops Reshuffle. "I think it was the way he handed round the champagne at those lavish parties that first alerted me to it." "I've been quite certain he was a complete bastard for some years," commented celebrity chef Mr Delia Cardsright. "When holidaying in his luxury Florida apartments, my wife and I were frequently struck by the thought that it couldn't be right that sound of baaing coming from the spare bedroom." It is thought that the government will change the rules so that peers found to be criminals will be stripped of their honours. Lord Grock's title will be down graded so that he becomes known merely as The Complete Grock of Schitz.
The elections for a new Editor of Adenews are in full swing with two candidates making all the running. Mr Nobby Herdamie (72) is very popular with the extreme right wing of the readership (comprising some 92% of the total) due to his view that Adenews should withdraw from Europe and site its offices on a disused oilrig next to Rockall. Mr Fatbelly Beerstain favours publishing Adenews in Esperanto and flavouring it with garlic. Both candidates expect to unite the readership when elected, presumably by publishing in Esperanto from Rockall.
The list you've all been waiting for:
The Pentagon has taken the unprecedented step of holding a press conference to warn of a virus which is capable of taking down the entire internet. Dubbed Totalcrap2001, the virus acts like a worm, so that if you chop it in half you get two worms. It also eats earth immediately under infected computers causing severe structural strains. Users of infected systems find that their email contains random rubbish claiming to be an on-line news service. This will be mailed to anyone they forward it to, causing chaos across the internet. The Pentagon has issued the warning because of the effect the virus has had on the US President. Apparently, it has placed in infected computers subversive concepts such as that President Bush is a fool whose actions pander to the large corporations who paid for his election win. The US government hopes that by stomping hard on the virus, such concepts will be swept under the carpet. Our technology correspondent has no idea what this bit has to do with earth worms, as he was not entirely sober when attending the press conference.
Bastards! |
This week in Adenews: