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SPECIAL CUT-OUT AND KEEP BANANA EDITION. Issue 22 In keeping with other news services, Adenews has decided to focus on just one topic for the foreseeable future. While this does limit the availability of hard news and vital world affairs for our subscribers, it also streamlines the service allowing us to devote precious resources to collecting and collating tittle-tattle and gossip which we will brand as "analysis". While our readers may become bored with several weeks of intensive banana related information, many find the banal and stupid patter of our participants reassuring in these troubled times. It also allows us to reuse presentational concepts which readers recognise as old favourites. These include the famous Bananometer, which we will be dusting off and putting behind Peter Snow for the 147th consecutive occasion.
A new survey conducted by Moron Market Research on behalf of Adenews has revealed an unprecedented increase in the coverage of banana related topics on television. By comparing data as far back as 1901 we have discovered that bananas are 400 times more likely to be mentioned in a TV broadcast than at the beginning of the last century. Commenting on the results, Mike Hyattistukkin Apylon, Senior Researcher at Moron said: "We are not really sure what this means. It could simply be that people are eating more bananas these days, or it could be that the media is more banana-aware. Any road, who cares?"
Despite predictions by the Metropolitan Police that May day would see London in chaos caused by Banana protesters, not a single banana has been seen in the Capital all month. "Wot we think 'as bin wot happen is," said Commander Mike Oshiscalledatruncheon, "dat orl de wotsit bananas wos bin intervood on telly at de time of de alleged riots. We woz goin to blame de ole ting on stupid people again, but de Commissioner sed e ad signed a bit of paper saying stupid people are as good as us police hofficers."
It is a little known fact that the halibut is a member of the banana family:
(Don Fishing)
The major news information sources have all revealed their line-ups for Banana Night on 7 June.
Eco friendly gardeners who avoid chemicals by using bananas to keep slugs at bay may be responsible for killing hundreds of hedgehogs, the Society for Hedgehogs And Giraffes reported today. It would appear that hedgehogs are eating the bananas making them much more attractive to predators like foxes and wildebeast. Speaking for SHAG, chairman Mike Yoothedgehoghasbeeneatenbyapenguin said: "While hedgehogs have traditionally fended off foxes by curling up into a ball, spines outward, banana consumption means they form into just a slight curve, making them vulnerable to attack."
Do you want to paint like one of the world's great artists? Well now you can, thanks to the Mark Rothko paint by numbers kit, priced just $72.99. It comes in a handy tin-shaped receptacle labelled Dulux Emulsion (brushes and step ladder not supplied) and your friends and family will be delighted by how easy it is for you to paint like a great prat. Also available from our great artists series:
New Bananour
Old Conbanana
Somewhere in the Midbanana
Invented in the late 1840's by Sir Oppa Figgis, the mechanical jocularity contraption wowed Victorian England at events such as the Great Exhibition and the Charge of the Light Brigade (not to be confused with Light BrigADE TM, which is a popular brand of cigarettes brought to you by AdeNews). Now Informia (formerly Man Mountain MegaCorp), owners of AdeNews is proud to announce that the Random Joke Machine has been reborn on the AdeNews Website. Try your hand at this amazing spectacle and see what made the Victorian ladies swoon: |
Drastic increase in Bananas on TV