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The international pan global electron stimulated information update service brought to you by Informia (formerly Man Mountain MegaCorp). Issue 20 Dear Shareholder The cancellation of the emergency shareholders' meeting last week was merely because of routine logistic problems and not, as some have suggested, because the Directors had all left the country. In fact, by a staggering coincidence, some, if not all, the Directors are currently on holiday overseas, but in this modern technological age, this is no bar to successful trading. I am now writing to inform you of radical restructuring which will take MMMC into the 21st century, a stronger and more vital force. The three Adenews communications companies will be merged to form Adenews 24 Hour International Euro-Porn with the loss of all 28 jobs, and the disposal of all assets related to the business (except the toaster, obviously). The service will continue to operate via a third party deal with BT (Speaking Clock Division). In the short term, this will necessitate a substantial reduction in the quality of service we are able to offer our customers, but we feel confident that none of them will notice. However, the directors feel that while this cost cutting exercise is to be welcomed, it will be insufficient to reassure the banks about our debt position. We therefore propose two rights issues, one on MMMC and another on a new off shore company, Adenews Banongo Stitchup International. We intend to do this on the basis that two rights do not make a wrong. Also in this issue of Adenews Banongo Stitchup:
US President George Wankabush has cemented his place in world history by ordering the destruction of the planet. Although his spokesman admitted there would be long term side effects to the plan, in the short term, US industry will benefit enormously from earth moving and demolition contracts. The programme will begin in Alaska where a large number of holes will be drilled in an attempt to sink the entire state. Later, a poisonous cocktail of gases will be pumped into the atmosphere to kill the entire world's population. Speaking on behalf of US industry, oil baron Mr JC Redneck Poppinbarrel VII said: "This'll teach the no good c**ksucking liberals to mess with us, now git offa ma land afore I fill ya fulla lead." For the environmental lobby, Will Intentioned said: "Oh shit!"
Verily, a host of holy hits
As during the last war against the UK cattle population, Adenews will be doing it's bit for our boys 'on the other side' (?). The following message is for 'The Green Mikado'; "THE ENGINEER WITH THE GRAND PLATONIC PLAICE IS LESS COMMON"
Ten things that did not happen this week:
The 31st in a series of cartoon books about the hilarious character Man Mountain has just been published, despite the author having been dead for 23 years. In this book, Man Mountain mostly lies at home in the dark eating cheese, said illustrator Udder Fantazi from beyond the grave.
In a dramatic development, Adenews has expelled 46 Russian diplomats from its offices in Worthing. "It is only a small office," said Groopi Popstar, proprietor, "and there simply was not room for 46 Russians. We had them stacked four deep in the stationery cupboard and they kept smashing glasses of Vodka on the photocopier." In retaliation, the Russian government has expelled 46 Adenews staff from its Moscow office. In fact, Adenews did not have 46 staff at its Moscow office and so the Russians have sent 46 other people who happened to live in the same apartment block. This means that the online news information update service will have to find space for 46 new Russians at its offices in Worthing.
Undercover policemen dining at ethnic restaurants in London in a bid to catch customers racially abusing waiting staff have made their first arrest. Ms Anne Robinson was seized at the Taffy Yabak Welsh restaurant in Tooting yelling abuse at a waiter who had served her an over done Rarebit. The waiter in question was later quoted as saying: "I wouldn't mind being called pointless and annoying, but I'm from Ethiopia."
Adenews is proud to announce that it has taken the Oscar for the Best Low Budget Foreign Online News Information Update Service with Arbitrary Textual Input at an awards ceremony in Los Angeles last night. Speaking for Adenews, Mr Glad Iatorwasshit, proprietor said: "That Julia Roberts is a big girl, intshe?"
Courtesy of Adenews Dodgy Dealings Inc
R&D giant SkimbleLabs has entered into a deal with cult surf-and-skate fashion house Barracuda Fart. The Truro based company plans to design and market a new range of street clothing exploiting the wonder fabric SkimbleTex. This lightweight, breathable, waterproof material repels dirt and odours, doesn't fade, rip, fray or wear out and is conclusively proven to double the sexual magnetism of the wearer. In spite of these advantages, the initial uptake of SkimbleTex by the fashion industry has been slow. "The fact that SkimbleTex is blisteringly radioactive is seen by other houses as a problem," explains chief designer, Dranigman Graspatstro, "but B-Fart has a broader vision. We believe the kids on the street want to burn faster and brighter, while the ones on the beach want to scare off sharks. And if they can all be seen in the dark, then their mums are happy too." Barracuda Fart's ailing 'Fastbreeda' range of lead-lined thermal whole body underwear is reportedly enjoying something of a renaissance with record sales last month, helping to offset the cost of Graspatstro's recent lengthy retreat at Bettiford Priory, where he rubbed shoulders with the rich and famous while undertaking an intensive regime of mantras, massage, meditation and detox.
Scientists at the Institute of Meta-Astronometrics have recently established that the total number of tasks in the universe is actually much greater than was originally thought. The evidence suggests that, contrary to current thinking, not all of the jobs that still need doing were created at the time of the big bang. "Our research indicates that a lot of new work is created by the Crastinus Effect, where over time there is a gradual accumulation of near-invisible 'dark tasks' which slowly coagulate into gigantic superprojects or 'AwwGees'," reveals Kurt Ankonseitz, head of the Institute. "Eventually they become too large to support themselves and burst apart with bits spraying everywhere, and a whole bunch of new action points gets created. It's pretty spectacular." "That's right." agrees Meta-Astronometricist 'Spacey' Stacey Hopper, "If you get an AwwGee unstable, you gotta get clean outta there. It's when the shit really hits the fan." We approached time management consultant, Niamh Arrogain, to get her reaction to this new discovery. "I'd love to contribute to your piece," she told us, "but I'm just snowed under at the moment."
We asked our resident fortune teller - tantalising temptress of the tarot and sultry siren of the scrying glass, Signora Perceptra - to predict how you will vote in the Readers' Poll to be announced next week. We will ask you to vote for your favourite mystery or miracle of the last ten years, and these, apparently, will be the results:
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Wbush makes his mark on the World