|
The on-line information service run by a group of people who are locked in a house whose every move is filmed, but never broadcast so that they get all the humiliation but none of the fame. Issue 19
Chancellor Gordon Wilhelm IV's tax cutting budget has been hailed as an electon-winner by some people, who are guessing, quite frankly. Reaction to the budget was so positive that it became clear in the early hours of Thursday morning that no one really understood it. The budget promised increased spending over an undefined fiscal period, while the cost of services would be cut. Taxes would be reduced for the poorest in society, who don't pay taxes anyway, while government revenues would increase. The Chancellor used the words surplus and deficit in equal measure, prompting well-informed papers to refer to him as having "a steady hand on the tiller".
News just in: the Pope has sainted General Franco, the former Spanish Dictator. He wasn't an intrinsically good person, papal advisors are admitting, it's just that he killed a lot of communists, and that is a good thing. The Pope is 4126.
Adenews Editor, McHorse Galumphin, is being investigated by police for inciting hatred, following comments he made about stupid people on hit TV show, "McHorse Slags Them Off". "I've never taken to them," he said. "What are they for?" He also accused them of being "irritating" and "pleased with themselves". The comments provoked a furious reaction from stupid people, many of whom burned their ears on their irons when phoning to complain. Others threw themselves off cliffs because they were told to. "We take this matter very seriously," said Inspector Hugh Jegonastick of the Metropolitan Police's Strange Happenings Incident Team. "There is a very fine line indeed between criticising stupid people, and criticising the police force. It has to be stamped out now." The investigation will begin as soon as Inspector Jegonastick is released from the Burns Unit. Commenting on the controversy, McHorse said "That Ann Robinson is a sour-faced, ginger-header, old cow".
Photographs of dogs wearing no clothes, which are currently being shown at Waterlooville Town Hall, are tonight being investigated by the Crown Prosecution Service. The pictures, by local housewife Mrs Lucinda Waistband, show a small basset hound behaving playfully on a beach. The Daily Express said that the photographs were a horrendous provocation to commit outrageous sexual acts, and demanded that they were burned immediately. A tearful Mrs Waistband countered that they were just pictures of a dog and what was all the fuss about. Late news: the CPS has decided that the photographs are not indecent and they can continue to be displayed.
The results of the Waterlooville Town Photography competition have just been announced.
This week, in an endeavour to bring Adenews to a more highbrow audience we present a tribute to Tolstoy, yes, it's time for the War and Peace Epic Tip Top Top Twenty - hurray!
I say, wasn't that better than the usual tosh. (Ed Note: tribute to Marx: 2/10) And don't forget our Biblical specials coming up soon:- in the next few weeks we have the Leviticus Eleven, a whole exposé on the hot tunes we've spotted lurking in the Book of Revelations and the Devils Pants (that's three). (finwizz)
Distributed free with Adenews, the online guide to all that is spooky or mysterious, from McFloog Worldwide Publications.
"It all started with a dream," explains Guzek Tadziki, a 192 year old beard from Waytrows, Berks. "I got up and caught the train to work as usual, but when I arrived I realised that it was Sunday. Quite unexpectedly I bumped into myself coming out of the lift. I handed myself a note which read, 'You're not wearing any trousers', before rushing out of the building so fast that I couldn't keep up with myself. And then I woke up and it was all true." Following his arrest for indecent exposure, Tadziki has, inevitably, written a book about these strange experiences and the new theory of space and time which he has developed to explain them. "Current scientific theory suggests that time moves in a linear fashion, but I and my followers believe this idea is too simplistic," he argues. "For instance, if I were to go back in time and kill my great great great grandfather in a drunken brawl outside a tavern in Crouch End, I would be imprisoned and then hanged for murder. But if you did it, you would get off scot free because your uncle knows what the judge gets up to at 'choir practice' on Friday nights. So, you see, violence is never the solution. Unless you can make it look like an accident." Branch Guzekian's following doubled last month with the initiation of a Ms Voluptua Lushbody (an award-winning Banongo dancer and amateur cat juggler), which took place in a gnomic ritual held at midnight in the upstairs function room of a pub in Godalming. Tadziki refuses to divulge details of the ritual, but local people had their sleep disturbed by deafeningly loud whale noises and the overwhelming odour of carrots.
The FBI have announced the closure of its Paranormal Investigations Department, owing, they claim, to a lack of anything paranormal to investigate. According to its leader, Dink Rankenberger, the department (immortalised in the TV series 'The X-Files') has now eradicated supernatural phenomena, extra-terrestrial activity and all manner of inexplicable things in general. "We are only really left with the Barry Manilow fan club and President Dubya's mandate, although there have been unconfirmed reports of a big bloke lying down in a field in northern France, and we believe there to have been a 'bit of a coincidence' somewhere in New Jersey last Wednesday," stated Rankenberger. "We did consider making a load of stuff up, just to keep ourselves in business," admits real-life agent Dank Sculleryberger, "but we were worried that people might confuse us with sensationalist hack rags like the Fiftean Times." After an in-depth investigation involving a clay model and some pins, the Fiftean Times can exclusively reveal that Agent Sculleryberger has recently been reassigned to children's crossing patrol duty, owing to an attack of unexplained recurrent headaches.
Squiffy Creases, licensed publican and owner of the Reeking Goat in Godalming, relates how late one night, hours after the pub had closed, he was awakened by sounds emanating from behind the bar. "At first I thought that maybe Skunknanny, the pub mascot, had broken in and was making calls to the Australian speaking clock on the payphone in the snug, just like last time." But nocturnal ungulate pranks were not to blame. It transpires that a bottle of Squiffy's home-made carrot liqueur had somehow tuned in to the music of the spheres and was resonating to broadcasts of a Cassiopeian radio soap opera. 'Home Again to Whales' is an everday story of rootless interstellar orcoid beings who ply the dark reaches of space in search of a place to settle down. In this episode Phreewheelie, the leader of the group, has received details of a des bung in the Aldebaran system with a large secluded garden which boasts an outdoor olympic size jacuzzi and its own croquet lawn. Having made arrangements to view, the group are delayed when their astral plane is grounded due to a strike by space traffic controllers. "It's most frustating," complains Creases, "I was just getting into the story when the broadcast stopped. I'm really worried about Phreewheelie. You should have heard his cry of anguish when he was told they'd been gazumped by a naturist underwater croquet team." Squiffy Creases is 3 sheets to the wind. |
This week in Adenews