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The pan-gloopy globul and sticky substance service for all your winter needs, featuring a spot for guest band Green Snot. Issue 18
In a historic meeting of presidents, Adenews President Mr Gravi Tisukz flew to Washington for talks with new US President George W Bush. Thanks to a hidden tape recorder, we are pleased to be able to bring you the full transcript of their conversation in full (fully and exclusively): GS: Mr President, it is indeed a honour to be presidentially presented to a president who I hold in such highly high esteem, regard and erm ... GWB: Ain't you the guy who said the W stood for Wanker? GS: In my country, your highly presidentially president sir, this is a term of the highest praise, esteem, regard and erm ... GWB: And didn't your publication run a "Vote Gore cos Bush will destroy the planet" campaign, which was very offensive to me personally. GS: Ah yes, erm, but the aim was merely show that you had the power and personality to destroy the planet if you so choose. And although in retrospect it was rather confusing, the phrase "Vote Gore cos" is actually Hungarian for "Future world leader". GWB: You no good slimey bunch of turd! GS: So any chance of extending the Adenews franchise in the US? GWB: F**k o*f Mr Tisukz later described the meeting as a "highly effective coming together of great minds in a common understanding of peace and prosperity and add in some other good stuff here would you, Smithers". Mr Wbush is the leader of the free world (scary or what?)
His "filling station" music is rabidly anti-gay, but at this week's Grubby awards in Los Angeles, high profile star malTEEzer was caught shagging Elton John. "I really had no idea he was gay," malTEEzer claimed later. "I just thought he was a ponced up queen who needed a good seeing to. If only someone had told me, then I could have spat in his face and my own sexual inadequacy need never have been revealed in this horribly public way." Their first child is expected at Christmas.
Average movement of a sheep to market in 1901 - Average movement of a sheep to market in 2001 ---------zzzz!!--------] (Ed note to graphics department - surely we can do better than this!)
The war of words between on line information services E-Pornentits and Adenews which followed the purchase of the latter by prong baron fork manufacturer Grind Ingenpumping is officially over. Both sides have unreservedly apologised for the nasty things they said in a bid to steal subscribers from the other. Speaking for E-Pornentits, Sir Feet Ofmilkenhoney, proprietor said "it was unfair of our editorial to point out that a fork man must have his knives hidden somewhere, even if it is true. However, I am prepared to unreservedly withdraw that statement in light of Adenews's threat to expose my liaison with Miss Terri Individual, my former masseuse and now on-line celebrity columnest at E-Pornentits. With luck, Lady Ofmilkenhoney need never know."
Coming soon in our gay county series:
Dear Ed Ed's Reply
Full set of tappits, assorted grommits, three top ten hits, used snake pit and some old dung. Offers.
Gina, enamoured of vodka, had a crush on O'Mally the hod-carrier, 'till O'Mally screwed up, dropped the bricks, said "Oh f**k!" on Gina, who ditched him, saying "Sod-ya!" Ed's note - not all limericks have to rhyme. This is just a malicious rumour spread by the citizens of Limerick who have all just taken up mime. It is important that they scan, according to my gran. Oh and it's best if they arrive more or less on time.
Contributed by first time caller who has never done anything like this before: Kingsley Chaffington-Deluge
An occasional column of news stories which commence by being really rather full of their own self importance and then ebb away on a tide of ennui... Earlier today... a man walked into a bar, made an unusual request which caused some consternation to the barman who then lost interest and subsequently the will to live. Rest assured in similar situations various ripostes could have occurred resulting in hilarious consequences. After years of careful experimentation and observation involving macadam grades ranging from tweed to lissom and a broad cross-section of pullets and bagatelles scientists at Shewasonlytheroadmendersdottir Labs have finally discovered that the reason the chicken crossed the road actually was... Well you probably wouldn't be interested. The reason toast falls butter side down is... oh sod it. (Le Tenebreux)
A very occasional column relating to 30 miles of string in one and a quarter inch lengths. That's 1,520,640 pieces to you squire. Thursday - Nothing much happening. frAyDENews is sponsored by Twine Times - the foremost organ of all things fringillaceous since 1820 (well half past six maybe) (beeetle) |
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