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The 24 hour a day incessant, rambling nonsense that you can't get out of your head, driving you mad, purporting to be a news service, but in fact just a load of arbitrary doo-doos. Issue 17 This week featuring:
Adenews Editor Mr Horse Manglewrangleson has been forced to resign for lying to his readers. Following months of intensive investigation by the Serious Faces Squad, it has been revealed that the Sheep Dog Trial Reports from issue 2 of Adenews were entirely made up. It turns out that sheep dog trials are a test of shepherding skills and do not involve courts of law at all. It was thus that Mr Manglewrangleson was exposed as a fraud, with no real knowledge of country or legal matters. Speaking for Adenews, Mr Growlen Howlen, proprietor, said "Lets face it, we all know Manglewrangleson has been on the edge for some time. We have all had our suspicions, its just that we didn't say anything because we are morally unscrupulous." In an interview with rival News Information Source, E-Pornentits, Mr Manglewrangleson claimed that he had been stitched up by Home Secretary Mr Bendy Straw. Mr Howlen is 25 and gorgeous (he told us to write).
Niles Delter, head of SkimbleLabs' Trenchard top secret research facility in the Florida everglades admitted yesterday that an entire research team comprising two senior engineers, five junior engineers, one technician, a masseuse, three brace of chickens, a bushel of pistachio shells and a visiting party of blindfolded schoolchildren from Neath, had vanished without trace. Delter confessed that SkimbleLabs had tried to keep the matter secret, but were forced to go public following pressure from Adenews. "Besides, that gaggle of wailing relatives outside the gate was starting to look untidy", he sympathised. Federal investigators have determined that each member of the team arrived for work as usual on the day of the disappearance, over a fortnight ago. Three junior engineers were seen in the canteen at lunchtime, apparently consuming huge quantities of comforting chocolate cake following the disastrous financial consequences of their failed dalliance in pistachio futures. The last sighting was of the technician, who helped a colleague to paint smears of Tipp-Ex™ on the photocopier glass mid-afternoon. None of the team has been seen since. SkimbleLabs have refused to be drawn on the nature of the project which the scientists were working on. However, Adenews investigative reporter, Ferry Tinaround, has discovered that one of the senior engineers, Dr Phileas Elkhammer, spent much of his spare time writing a novel believed to be based on his experiences at Trenchard. Having obtained a draft copy we can exclusively reveal that the book's main protagonist, a Dr Fineas Moosewhacker, works at Trenchfoot, a top secret research facility in the Florida swamplands. In Chapter 17 Moosewhacker is seconded to an ambitious project in which global avionics conglomerate, ScumballAerospace, plan to launch a European theme park into low earth orbit as an economic deterrent against the establishment of leisure facilities by extra-terrestrials. Although horrified by the potentially lethal environmental consequences, Moosewhacker is distracted from his plan to thwart the whole ill-conceived scheme by the unexpected arrival at Trenchfoot of a Ms Blodwyn Pugh, former primary school teacher from South Wales and Miss Nutty Slack 1982, who is engaged as a stress counsellor specialising in Daihatsu massage. Ms Pugh wins Moosewhacker's heart by plying him with her exquisite home-made chocolate cake, curing his sciatica by praising his driving skills, and promising him the chance to "build a new life in the off-world colonies". At this point the narrative begins to lose direction, the plot self-destructs under the unbearable weight of unresolved paradoxes, and the poorly-drawn, two-dimensional characters drift away into the ether like so many vanished scientists. On hearing of the Elkhammer manuscript, SkimbleLabs scheduled an impromptu press conference in the washroom of a diner where Ferry Tinaround was having lunch. "Any suggestion that SkimbleLabs are working on a device that turns fiction into reality will be denied in the strongest possible terms", two heavily armed spokesmen advised. (McFloog)
Dear Ed ps we've tried your suggestion of three pizzas, four kilos of pasta & all the cakes we could eyeball and to be honest the old libido really wasn't... Editor's reply: As I am now jobless, pennyless, and publicly humiliated (see above), it would spoil the ambiance to be surrounded by gorgeous pouting blonds. Please therefore sod off. (Finwizz)
Emotive Problems? Rev'd Lap is 12 and very rich. (Finwizz)
(King Deadword III )
Commin' at cha from out Abe of the blue, the hip hop top ten Abe refs: a) Abe no stopping us now, we're in/on the groove (finwizz)
A man called Abe from Zurich found his town only rhymed with Eurek- a, when he split the second & third lines, and contrived an extra word and was very pleased to finish his limerick ah! (finwizz)
First correct answer will win-a-lot (finwizz)
With Dimitri Ologist We propose to divide the country into several large areas, none of which you will be quite sure covers where you are now. Then we will ramble at some length about weather in places you are not, causing your mind to switch off, so that you miss the weather for the area where you are. The only words which might be of any use to you will be "outlook unsettled", but since I know that convection currents are inherently unsettled I will not have given anything away. And that's it for now, I'll be back later at some unspecified juncture. Here is the shipping forecast: The General Synopsis is still in his bunker. Brucie - high, backing westerly, 9, rain later (may be some time later) Roberto - high, veering suddenly, 4, rain later (may be some time later) Don - low 1058, unsteady, 12, rain later (may be some time later) Guzzie Wuzzie Automated Light Vessel - very low, possibly sinking, 104, rain later (may be some time later) Liam - high as a kite, raving, 19, rain later (may be some time later) Kathy - higher, wild and wicked, 26 (lied about her age), rain later (may be some time later) |
Manglewrangle goes in disgrace