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A seasonal extravaganza from Man Mountain Mega Corp.


Issue 14

 featuring

  • Wild turkeys and how to chase them
  • Celebrity puddings - why bother?
  • Fending off aged aunts using the patent Skimbleshanks method
  • Banongo dancing - festive rules
  • Office party - threat or opportunity?

 US has new president

Mr Arthur Doffafterchristmas has been appointed President of the US Federal Agricultural and Chemical Equipment Association Concerned Homeowners Edict after a light lunch involving almost no wrangling. Mr Doffafterchristmas is 104.

 Advertisement feature

Young people of the world can you afford to miss out this Christmas? Simply by bankrupting your parents, you can be part of the Banongo Generation, and not lose all your friends and become hugely unpopular, as is likely to happen if you don't buy our products.

Banongo System 2001 is an interactive Googlewarp based on high quality synthetics with a tacto-sensory membrane system giving you clues to the inner puzzle. There are 72 Googlewarps (£19.99 each) in a Throop and 48 Throops in each Whurglet (7). Only by collecting the entire Warpdom can you find tacto-sensory synergy and raise yourself to the next level. YOU MUST DO THIS BY DECEMBER 23 to avoid complete isolation, as even your partially bankrupted family will no longer talk to you if you don't.

Once at the next level you have just 24 hours to purchase the remaining 4027 Garfligiwarps (£24.99 each) with the forces of evil (us) at your heals. This will raise you to the X zone where you can really revel in the purchase of 412 Hurglewarps (£36.99 each)

Apply Evil Toymasters Inc today or perish horribly!!! Not suitable for childern under 0 months.

 Investigative Scoop - inside Man Mountain

Earlier this year investigative reporter, Ferry Tinround, masquerading as 'Maggoty Dave - the Human Blowfly Larva', successfully infiltrated a troupe of circus freaks who had been engaged for the summer period at the Man Mountain Adventure theme park in northern France. Despite the need to remain permanently confined within a bulky pink sleeping bag in order to maintain his disguise, Ferry was able to establish a number of pertinent facts:

  • If you are feeling dizzy and nauseous on your first day after a long session testing the Tilt-a-Whirl, a dash for the latrines is made more challenging when your only method of locomotion involves squirming around on your stomach.
  • The bearded lady's beard is real, although she is not a real lady. She is in fact a transvestite hod-carrier from Ilkley.
  • The family of trapeze and high-wire performers who style themselves 'The Flying Banongos', and claim direct descent from Icarus, are actually fantastically intricate and complex androids, elegant and stunning creations of the mad but brilliant cyberacrobatoroboprosthetigeneticist Professor Guzek Tadman. Professor Tadman's beard is 1024.
  • Coaldust Marsupial makes an excellent mixer for Calvados.
  • During the entire summer season, Man Mountain park received a mere eleven visitors. Five of them were a blindfolded school party from Neath who'd been told they were in Parc Asterix, two were a local courting couple looking for a 'kwite pless fair zee rurmpy-purmpy', three nuns were spotted at dawn on midsummer's day enacting a gnomic ritual from the pre-Christian era, and there was a mad Irish bloke on a tandem asking if anyone had seen his stoker.
  • Spoonlick, Popinjay Badmuzzle, Raggedy-Arsed Misanthropist and Yoo Gotta Da Flish all dropped 7 or more at the first. Virgil's Carrots held the sixth chakra 5 and 2 over Weekend Semtex, but slipped back to 4 gets you 9 against Elysian Whelk at the final scruffin. Tatine Auburne also ran.
  • Although it may help to enhance the authenticity of your disguise, the experience of undercover work is in no way improved by having to spend 10 weeks enduring the all-pervasive odour of vomit.

For further information regarding gnomic rituals of the pre-Christian era visit www.virgilscarrots.com

(McFloog)

 Advertisment Feature - X-mas ideas from ACME.INC

AMAZE YOUR FRIENDS - SHOW OFF DOWN THE PUB - SCARE NEXT DOOR's CAT - WORRY SHEEP

Bored of the same old Phallis? Try the new improved ACME TALLY WALLACK MOLD

Entirely made from STAINED GLASS and COPPER WIRE this amazing versatile device has changed countless lives and is available world wide.

Go Continental - For only $27.99 try the X-mas 2000 model - A 1:2000 scale handcrafted reproduction of the LEANING TOWER of PISA

(RORN)

 Advertisement

Have you noticed how stylish people who drink Banongo Breezers on the rocks always seem to be surrounded by beautiful people of the opposite sex? One sip and gorgeous pouting sex machines will rub their hands all over your body. Drink an entire bottle and they will steal your wallet, your jewelry and your hairpiece, and you will never see them again... It's an experience. Buy some now and make us very happy.

 Turkeys chain themselves to Theme Park

News just in: 400 turkeys have chained themselves to the Man Mountain Adventure Themepark in protest at what they call "Christmas". A spokesturkey said: "Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble."

Mrs Mavis Amonthinearlysummer of Colwyn Bay, the new owner of the Man Mountain Park, commented: "!burp!"

 One hundred great Christmas gift ideas

  • Socks
  • Perhaps a wacky tie of some sort
  • Those pendulum things with five balls
  • A corkscrew in the shape of a newt
  • A golf ball washer
  • A nice scarf
  • Soap for particularly smelly relatives, ideally in a basket so they don't soil the soap before it is even out of its wrapper
  • A cheap pen shaped like a penguin
  • A cheap penguin shaped like a pen
  • A multifunctional collapsible spanner set
  • 99 more great ideas at www.adenews.co.uk

 Seasonal greetings

Adenews would like to take this opportunity to wish all of its readers a very happy Banongo System 2001 (TM)


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