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The new improved ADENEWS entirely powered by a new energy source derived from unwanted fruit. Every year, millions of tons of fruit goes to waste because people buy it when shopping thinking they should improve their diet, but then never eat it. Adenews has developed a new technology which converts this unwanted fruit into email energy for up to eight weeks after the fruit has been purchased. We are proud to announce that this week's issue is entirely powered by bananas supplied by Mrs Ethel Putrid of Colwyn Bay. Issue 13 If you have unwanted or rotting fruit, please send it to: Overseas readers should allow 28 days for delivery.
Note: in keeping with our new policy of banning lists, the above list only appears in issues of Adenews where the recipient has specifically requested that lists are included. You may have initiated such a specific request by omitting to tick box 4391b on form K133z in your subscription pack. If you subscribe to Adenews through the Green-email scheme then you will not have received a subscription pack, because subscription is initiated using an automatic process. Adenews is pleased to announce that 100% of subscribers are now on the Green-email scheme.
A report from McFloog of McFloog (actually inside a wine bar on St Margaret Street, but if you stand on that table with the dodgy leg by the loo you can just see College Green) Immortality is the only answer, assures Number 10. In a shocking announcement yesterday Cancellor of the Cheque, Mr Gordian Brain, revealed a hitherto unknown threat to the stability of the world economy. It transpires that the Treasury has known for some years that Lord Bayley of Porque, proprietor of the Adenews media empire, is so heavily insured against all mishaps that in the event of his death, every financial institution throughout the world will immediately be made bankrupt by the scale of the payouts they will be obliged to make. Several years ago the G7 nations threw their medical research and development resources behind efforts to keep the aging media magnate alive, the better to avert global financial catastrophe, but this work had to be abandoned when the F7 nations complained about the smell from upstairs. Mr Brain revealed that in an alternative strategy, his lordship is to be legally designated as 'Immortal', a status conferred only once before in history, the beneficiary then being renowned Masters & Johnson balladeer, Sir Squiff Ruchards. Prime Minister, Mr Tiny Blurt, adorned in a sweeping black cape with shiny red lining, mumbled some incomprehensible platitudes, grinned a lot, and then climbed back into his coffin. His press spokesperson, Mr Alienate Campfollower, translated for the assembled vultures: 'Oh yes. Oh yes. Make no mistake. Immortality is the only answer. If you don't like it, don't vote for me. Coming, Leo....' Mr Blurt is 1024. Tory leader, Mr Diddlyum Vague, was unavailable for comment, but later gave reporters a passable Eddie Waring impression before being thrown out for falling off a wobbly table.
The biological entity formerly known as the Man Mountain Adventure Zone has been sold to Mrs Ethel Benzoate of Colwyn Bay for £9.98. Mrs Benzoate is reported to be considering her options over the use of the 200 acre theme park in Northern France when she takes over its running in 2001. One serious option is to convert the park in to a natural habitat for local plants and wild life. This is thought to be achievable by simply locking the gates and waiting.
In a shock announcement, Eurotunnel, operators of the Channel Tunnel has announced that it will take legal action over Stena Sealink's decision to change its name to Bryan Ferries. The subtle trading change is thought to have boosted traffic on the cross channel sea routes by as much as 213% following the company's marketing campaign "Cross the Channel on Bryan Ferry".
The long-awaited sale of Adenews is now complete as fork manufacturer Sir Hubert Onsomecraphorses, the self-styled prong baron, takes over the reins. A spokesman for Sir Hubert said that it was inevitable that Adenews would lose its independent status since it had not sold any advertisement space in its twelve years of operation and is currently operating with staggering financial losses (see bar expenses - McFloog). Sir Hubert promised massive investment (£2.46) to revitalise the ailing information update service and from next issue, readers will see some significant changes:
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Ten words you didn't realise were onomatopoeic