The bio-diveristy-based, eco-warrior friendly, recycled, reprocessed, organic, nuclear free, on-line relational database-based information update service.

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Issue 12

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Special celebratory edition - 12th great issue

To celebrate 12 great issues in a row, this is a very special edition of Adenews. We call it freeform Adenews because we couldn't be bothered to edit any of our contributions, and just went down the pub instead.

Contributors to this issue of Adenews

• Finwizz Piazza-Pudding (39) started his journalistic career by compiling lists of jazz ballads for the Newt Watcher. None of these was ever published. Since then he has gone from strength to weakness and now edits the on-line version of the Colditz board game.
• Guzzie Beardwick (39) has a distinguished reputation, but only due to a physical similarity to Captain Birdseye. However, it does pay dividends in terms of supermarket openings and tombolas.
• Dame Ricarda Oglegirls (104) was chief cellist for Sumarian Airways (1987-88) and fought in the Botswanan bush wars of '67 on the side of General Franco (in fact she was the General's sole representative, and carried on despite denials from the General's office that he was in any way involved). She was cashiered from the Tesco paratrooper corps in 1998 and has been living in seclusion ever since.
• Signorina Trumpnick McBobbins (37) is the tallest woman in Italy by some 48cm but does not let that get her down.
• Broog McFloog (36) is the UK diplomatic representative of the Sultan of Western Samoa, a regal title which has lain unclaimed for the last 1024 years. He plays for an air of mystery, but negates the effect slightly by paying for large billboard advertisements displaying his picture and CV.
• Mr & Mrs P Dung-Beetle of 42 The Crescent, Quonts. Occasional contributors who provide all their articles written in string. Little gets published as editorial staff are no good at knots.

Legal news

Adenews is to take Mr George Dubya and Mr Algie Ore to the US Supreme Court in a bid to get the on-line news information update service declared as President.

It became clear only late in the day, said Mr Goran Busherubbish, Adenews proprietor, that Adenews had been missed off the Florida ballot paper altogether. This meant that many old and easily confused people who might have been conned into voting for us did not get that opportunity. It is clear that if Adenews had been included on the ballot paper it would have been a land slide victory, and we are going to ask the Supreme Court to recognise this.

News is just breaking that US officials in the other 49 states also failed to include Adenews on their ballot papers, strengthening the case for Adenews becoming President still further. Officials ruled Adenews out of the running at the start of the contest on a minor and little known technicality. Apparently, Adenews failed to adopt an arcane procedure known as entering. But Mr Busherubbish explained that this should not rule Adenews out of the Presidency. The people of America have spoken, he said.

Sport - cycle racing from Donxter

2:30 Menstrual vs Wagner Ring

This meet was called off when a lot of very bad tempered women turned up with trombones.

What the papers say

The assignment of 12,000 UK troops to the EU rapid reaction task force.

Daily Snail
... the prospect of Germany invading using our own troops. In giving control of our Armed Forces to the Eurocrats we are laying the door open to the Fourth Reich. The millions who died in the 1940's defending our shores against panzer attack ...

The Sun
... surrender to the Argies, allowing Galtieri to attack us at any moment ... plucky British trooper ordered about by Froggie officiers stinking of garlic and ... invasion of Poland any day now ... leave us alone you Euro-bastards ...

The Daily Telegraph letters page
From Rear Admiral Sir Hank Orsaway
Sir
The current Government plans for the Royal Navy, viz the European Rapid Reaction Force, beggar believe. If I have understood correctly, exactly half our forces will be allocated to the EU scheme. Do these landlubbers not realise that cutting a ship in half renders it largely unusable? Not only will this severely limit the ability of the Navy to respond on behalf of the EU, it also jeopardises Britain's defence, since no one seems to have realised that we will be left with the other half, which will be equally unserviceable. Further objections can be raised when it comes to considering how manpower will be allocated. If for example, the galley and cooking personnel go to the EU, British defences will be further impaired by all our sailors starving to death in short order!

That Jim list in full

1. Jim Nasium
2. Jim Jams
3. Jim Kana
4. Jim Nasticsisdifficult
5. Jim Slipsleadtotrouble
6. Jim, any cricket?
7. Jim Main-Greer
8. Jim Gerbeer
9. Jim Eendat
10. Jimmy that thing, Jimmy that thing, Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy, Jimmy that thing.
11. Jim and tonic

Environmental news

Anti-stupidity protesters are tonight converging on the all-nation Global Warming conference in Holland after the US revealed a new plan to pump all its CO2 on to Canadian territory. The plan would see the US meeting its CO2 emissions targets by a substantial margin, while Canada would exceed its aims by several thousand percent.

This visionary plan gives our industry very great benefits, said US environment spokesman Mr Stu P de Basta, as it will allow them to burn more fossil fuels and wreck the environment, whilst making Canada pay. The US government has already issued stern warnings to Canada about its environmental performance, and intends to take a very hard line, just as soon as the CO2 pipelines are in place.

Breaking wind from CNN

Colonel C Bagshott poached in a multimillion lire deal from Italian Publishers Tales of Amori announced the ex-military war hero's agent, Horatio Winthrop in a less than well attended press conference held in a little known Shebeen in Manila. Titles shortly to be seen on our shelves include:

A heros return
A daring tale of dashing chivalry in which our hero, kicked by a mad horse in the Balkans, re-traces the steps of his childhood and marries his childhood sweetheart.

My England
A beautifully simple tale of a dashing chivalrous hero who wanders alone along the lonely shores and mountains of Great Britain in an attempt to rediscover his liver, and marries his childhood sweetheart. This novel was dedicated to the team of twelve sherpas, and several manservants who died mysteriously after a sordid binge on the beach at Windemere.

Oh when shall I return to these distant shores (what shores?)
A non-fiction work cataloging the Colonel's pre-millennium duty free trip to Bolougne, dedicated to his good friend Squiffy who drowned at sea.

Papillion part deux
Falsely imprisoned in Bolougne, our hero fights to clear his name. A must for chinese nuns.

Hooters, a women scorned
A delightful work, written entirely from under the bed of a Naples brothel.

Alimony (how to avoid it)
We caught up with the Colonel in Scunthorpe and asked for a comment, who ever wrote these is a blithering idiot was his reply as he slid from his chair.

Letters to the Editor

Sir
My wife, the colonel, my cousins, the Smiths, and myself were reviewing the latest Adenews and we became aware of a few factual misstatement-type bits: Some arse wrote claiming Sir Squiff had something to do with puddings. HE DID NOT! He was a curry man:

1. Curry doesn't live here any more
2. Samosa Holiday
3. Biriyani Boy
4. Living Dahl
5. Wired for Sag Aloo
6. Congratjalferezi
7. The Day I Met Bhajee
8. Miss You Knights of Bengal
9. Lucknowi Lips
10. When the girl in your arms is the girl in your chicken tikka karahi (No1 for Xmas)

Regards Herb l'Hibou

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At last - that long awaited list of Bills

1. Mr Bill E Uss
2. Mr Bill Erikki
3. Mr Bill Board
4. Mr Bill G Pump
5. Mr Bill Enben
6. Mr Bill Zindipost
7. Mr Bill Tuparea
8. Duke Bill de Platipus
9. Mr Bill E Bong
10. Mr Bill E Seccid
11. Dr Bill Coveredbyinsuranceinamerica
12. Professor Bill Wrestler
13. Mr Bill Chards-Entoast
14. Mr Bill de Partup
15. Inspector Bill Dinz
16. Mr Bill Ateraltrade-Agreement
17. Mr Bill Lockstoyoumate

Adenews never accused of being listless

Reviewers at What Online Information Source have ranked Adenews bottom of 412 internet-based services. The main criticisms were not enough pornography and too many lists. Commenting on the findings, Mr Giani Entonichi said we plan to launch a pornography service in the near future, and so far as lists are concerned, you have seen the last one. We will never publish another list again!

Top Ten Gross Earners - Sick Artists

1. Little Heaver - The Loco-motion
2. Chuck Berry
3. Bleah Sabbath - 1970s heavey metal group
4. Wreckless Yorick - I'd Throw the Whole Wide World
5. Wallace & Vomit - The single
6. Hewy Lewis & the Spews -
7. Sick & Tina Turner - Nutbush Sickie Limits
8. Chunderclap Newman
9. The Barf 52s
10. Bananarama - Self evident criticism

Five Other Illnesses

1. Chuck Berry-Berry
2. The Typhoid Twins
3. A Flu of Seagulls
4. The Cramps
5. Elvis Small Pox

Five Quick Cures

1. Detol Be The Day
2. Savlon Enchanted Evening
3. Asprin Time in Paris
4. You are the Strepsil of my life
5. It'll be a cold cold colostomy bag without you