The on-line fandango, galileo, galileo, figaro, brought to you this week by the Florida Institute of Counting accredited in 7 counties (no, sorry: 8, 9, 12, 4).

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Issue 11

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Financial report

The chancellor Kaiser Wilhelm VI this week announced his pre-budget plans for the nation's finances, amid growing pressure to reduce taxes on cake and biscuits. Protesters from the cheap cake lobby blockaded cake depots for almost two minutes last month, before government officials defused the situation using eclairs. Prior to his official statement, the Kaiser had being saying that he would give in to none of the protesters demands, mainly since, being a government official, he has unlimited access to custard doughnuts, even in times of crisis.

However, in a surprise U-turn, the actual pre-budget statement made the following concessions:

1. All cake to be free to people with four Ws and two Zs in their name.
2. Everyone to get tax free biscuits of the new environmentally friendly type "M" (yet to be devised).
3. Pensioners to be given new slippers (by shoe shops making a modest charge not dissimilar to the usual market rate).
4. The National Health Service to be driven to rack and ruin (as per previous 412 budget statements).

Editor's Note: The term blockADE is in no way related to ADEnews. Although currently subject to a complicated copyright case, the two are entirely separate and different. Adenews has trademarked some of its own brand images which you will see in many shops as part of a franchise arrangement, similar to that used by the Virgin brand. Our brands are as follows:

1. LemonADE TM
2. CherryADE TM
3. MarmalADE TM
4. BandADE TM
5. PolisrADE TM
6. HomemADE TM
7. TeasmADE TM
8. ObliterADE TM
9. sADEism TM
10. Banana Yogurt

Florida update

26 for definite

Letters to the Editor

Sir
as regards a cake top 10. Surely honourable mention is due to Sir Squiff Ruchards for "Tiramisu Nights"
fondest regards
Bunty
as I believe the young set say: you've got to profiterole with it

Sir
Inspired by the excellent feature in Adenews2 regarding colonic irrigation, I decided to give it a try for myself. The initial results were encouraging, but when it eventually came to harvest time the yield was most disappointing. A brief experiment with semi-colonic irrigation failed after my copy of The Times fell to bits in the bath. Should I apply for an EC subsidy?
Yours ever,
Akimbo Skimbleshank
www.skimbleshanks.co.uk

Editor's reply: By all means apply for an EC subsidy, although I recommend using Organo PhosphADE TM.

Florida update

431

Top TV cop dies

The world held its breath in the final episode as one of TV's best loved characters was seen for the last time. Officer Dibblofftopcat faded from our screens, as the artist's felt pen tragically ran out during live broadcast.

Smarm de Cat, who has played Officer Dibblofftopcat's side kick TC for the last 26 years commented: His character was dour and stupid on-screen, but off screen he kept us in continuous rapture with his stories about frog breeding.

An interesting fact about Top Cat is that although hundreds of tourists flock every year to see those famous original dustbins, if there were really that many dustbins full of cats, you would need to generate six times as much rubbish as it is humanly possible to achieve.

Florida update

Jam (only joking its 16 ... definitely and finally)

Adenews Competition

Adenews proprietor Mr Gruff Exterior has pledged US$0.01 prize money in aid of technological developments which help to improve our environment. This year's award goes to the person who can come up with plans for a workable motor car which runs on supermarket carrier bags. In addition to the cash prize, the winner will see his plans put into action in Mr Exterior's 1947 Lincoln Memorial Wallsmash 5.7litre which currently runs on methane.

Florida update

6.2

Situations vacant

The following situations are vacant:

1. Sitting upside down in the Whispering Gallery in St Pauls.
2. The chair in room 7 of Tate Britian - oh no, he's just sat down again.
3. Several other really stupid places
4. ...

Florida update

Pi

Job search

Editor for Adenews Environmental Supplement. Must have bulky shopping bags and small rodent in sock (note the shopping bags don't have to be in your sock, only the rodent, and strictly, we do not expect the rodent to be in the same sock as you are wearing). Ideally hair should not have been combed for 23 years, although limited brushing is acceptable. Shaggy beard and holes in shoes an advantage. Ideal candidate will be allergic to chocolate cake ... in fact if you are anorexic that would be even better. Must have some flare, but not in trousers. Ideal candidate will be prepared to operate in unacceptable circumstances. 25m swimming certificate essential by publication date of Sewage Special.
Apply: jobs@adenews.co.uk

Managing Director of Blue Chip company. Knowledge of what Blue Chips are and who buys them an advantage. This prestige position offers many unusual benefits, such as part share in some Bulgarian Warehouses, and use of company parakeet. For more details visit web site: www.skimbleshanks.co.uk.
Apply: jobs@skimbleshanks.co.uk

Florida latest

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