The panic buying, lead-free, junction-blocking, flood-warning e-zine information update service brought to you this week in conjunction with Ace Knowledge Services for all your know needs.

---

Issue 10

---

Mobile phone health warning

Adenews has conducted a series of tests at its secret underground laboratories hidden deep beneath the ground floor of its offices, to assess the potential health threats which the use of mobile phones may present. The results of those tests are presented here.

While our scientists could find no absolute proof that mobile phones are dangerous, they did isolate five distinct cases where their use could present a health hazard. These findings have been sent to the government and we await their response. The five cases are:

1. If the phone is held by the antenna and bashed repeatedly against someone's forehead.
2. If the phone is accidentally connected to a high voltage supply such as the third rail of a railway network.
3. If the phone is heated to 5000degC and then dropped in the bath.
4. If the phone is strapped to the front of a large commercial vehicle and driven at high speed towards pedestrians.
5. If the phone is accidentally coated in butter and left lying outside a busy supermarket area.

Adenews proprietor Mr Grah C Noel said We are outraged that the government has not taken action in these areas to prevent unnecessary deaths. Our scientists have proposed that by encasing all mobile phones in lead and dropping them deep into the ocean, no one needs to suffer any more.

Mr Noel is 107.

Bob listing - in order at today's date

1. Bob Sure Uncle - The other brother, not the no good one
2. Bob Slay - Nasty medeival Scandinavian character
3. Bob Inch - Short, lisping, northern textile manufacturer (not very good)
4. Bobblé - Old English (spit) word for something rude, but quite pleasant, in French
5. Bobkin - see Bob Sure Uncle
6. Bobette - the type of knife used by certain American feminists
7. Bob Nango Dancing - East African derivative dance, culled from the collective memories of the eleven (better preserved) survivors of the Labour Party (sank 1995 with all hands)
8. Bob Cat - crap hairdo, no one will tell you to your face
9. Bob Hope - Liam! for %$£&'s sake tell those nazi compatriots of yours not to vote Republican - remember, it's your vote that counts....
10. Bob-a-job - English, derivation not known

Editor's note: Bob Inn, the small Siberian hotel encased in cotton thread, has had to be removed from this listing when we discovered Siberians trying to bribe Woolworths staff members. We have no idea why, but just to be on the safe side ... Bob Ilhat also had to be excluded when we found him hiding on George W Bush's head, while Bob Dinagious was simply too big to fit through our electronic filter system. Bob E was arrested before he could make it to the Adenews offices and Bob Tail was late as usual.

Next week - top ten Bills

Poetry Corner

This week contributed by Mr Finwizz O'Flaharty of Triplin

The Marvellous Thang About Adenews

The marvellous thang about Adenews,
Is it gets right under your skin,
And the best way to alleviate it,
Is with a bottle of gin.

I'd Like to Shag the Editor {....and who wouldn't.....? anon}

I fancied a shag with the Editor,
I'd just moved from Es-ton-i-a,
Where shag means meatballs and dumplings,
And for afters, gypsy tart.... ooh-là-là!

attributed to William Shakespudding (English)

Cake top ten results

1. Bridge over troubled waffles
2. Doughnut foresake me, oh my darling
3. I torte I taw a puddy cat
4. You're the bun that I want
5. I'm getting meringued in the morning
6. Choux to me are everything
7. Mr Kipling doing what you're doing, you're gonna get next to me
8. Tart'l be the day, that I die
9. The girl is scone
10. Teenage waistband

Classified advertisements

Once Seen
The Jolly Parrot - 30 October, 3.15 (workday). You; short bearded bloke, me; pretty little thing, our eyes met fleetingly. I think they were your eyes.
The Admiral Warmwold-Woss - 30 October, 4am. You; short ill-shaven type; me upper class bint looking for something like one's cat might drag innh.
The Finbar O'Trouser - 30 October, 11pm. You; fuzzy-eyed, fuzzy-mouthed, fuzzy-memoried & fuzzy-faced, me; enormous gay mick. How about that jolly game of Houtanka you promised?
Balrog in the Woodpile - 30 October, 2pm. You; short, beardy bloke with drink, drugs and many other obvious problems. Me; attractive psychologist hitherto down on my luck but with a splendidly cunning plan.
Binkie Beresford's - 30 October, 9:15. You; unkempt, non-hirsute / hair suit type chap, the sort Monty would have disapproved of. Me; military chap, row of forty medals on chest etc, etc .... the white camel has lost his dirigible, I'll repeat that, that.
The Fuz Club - 30 October, time uncertain. You; garlicky bloke with beard and secret girlfriend. Me Vampie de Bluff-Sayer look-a-like, with moustache, one leg, parrot (not a jolly one) and Cadburys sponsored, green, shimmery wispie vest in mock crimpiline with a fur collar and turps effect against the bias. Also, a tall mauve top hat but with a bit removed where you would normally keep spare bits of that German packing material that comes in so handy and replaced with a small ecologically sound bat box that has been converted to stop bats getting in as they disturb the rooster and make a bog of a noise when the come home half-ratted at five am with their mates who don't have real jobs and half of them are on the social as well. You said you liked my hat.
The Bonongo Club - 30 October, ????. You!!!!?